Wooden Eye

A couple arrived late last night, and settled into the double room, which has an en-suite shower.

They appeared to be satisfied: "This is all we need."

I decided on some 'shut-eye.'

"Hello, hello," I hear, in the distance.

"So, sorry, to wake you up. But, we would prefer to bath."

After having perused the premises, that cannot find one of the three available.

Back to sleep at 2am, after being asked for a 9am wake-up call.

"Hello, hello,"

It is now 5.15.

"Could we Skype and iron a shirt? Where do we do this?"

I thought this had been discussed at 2am.

Back to sleep at 6am. Bad move, as I need to be polite and perky at 7am.

But, even if I could locate matchsticks, these would not keep my eyes open.

Around 7.30, Tim leaves. He calls at 8.

"I left my 'phone behind. I am on my way. Please don't bath or anything. I'll be there now-now."

Around 9am, Tim arrives: "I see you are still in your pyjama."

Also at 9am, I knock on the double room door. No answer. I tap on the window. Still, no answer.

Finally.

"Please wake us up at 10am. We have arranged to be collected at 11. And, please open the gate to let us out."

Now, why wooden I?"

BnB = But No Breakfast

Alas, Terrylin no longer serves a light breakfast.

No, this is not due to the recession and rising costs.

There a small dining area, which can seat six guests at a time, and breakfast was served from 7am.

Up at 6h30, I laid out the trays, with coffee, tea, sugar, yoghurt, fruit, cereal, bread, juice and jams.

While in progress, people would fly out of their beds, from said 6h30 with a "What time is breakfast served?", and pull out a chair, while I work around them.

They then, cosy up, with maps, and tablets, giving me a major headache, to discuss their further journeys, for up to an hour.

I politely asked, a harassed father with two toddlers, if I could clear the table, and he wrote a rotten review, 'the other guests had to wait patiently!'

Then, there was a Scotsman with a lassie, who insisted the taxi wait for her, as she was busy, with her breakfast.

Scott, cottoned on, with a: "Oh, I see why you want me to move. Other people would like to have breakfast."

As the breakfast was included in the rate, therein lay the problem.

"I am leaving before 7 am. Could I have an early breakfast?" - "Could I have breakfast tonight?" -"Could I exchange breakfast as a takeaway?" - "Could you add cheese?" - "Could you fry me eggs and bacon, as a favour?"

So, I got down to business and had breakfast deleted from my website, and all other booking sites. All went well, until...

On one site, I sent two requests.

1.) Please delete the 'breakfast included', FROM all the room types.

2.) Please delete, from the Information Page -'breakfast is served from 7am.'

Confused Candy, e-mailed me to confirm that she had altered the breakfast to a full English and deleted all the room types.

Off With My Head

Blake, celebrated his third birthday with a party at Terrylin. Thoroughly enjoyed by all, thanks for asking.

As he is Cancerian, Blake is very house-proud, and if he spills his juice he will find a cloth, and wiping eagerly, will inform all:

"Look, I messed!"

On our last weekly get-together, Aimee brought her puppy to show Blake, whom he wanted to exchange with any teddy bear, and not wanting to miss anything, became belligerent at bath time.

While being led away by Misty, he implored:

"Guppy, Aimee, Puppy, anybody! Save me, Save me!!"

Once Blake was in bed, we were absorbed watching 'Desperate Housewives'. One of them began throwing a bowl of fruit about and we heard a voice from the passage:

"Look, look, she messed!"

The other afternoon, Misty and Blake, popped in to fetch magazines and marshmellow bunnies, and on leaving:

"Bye, bye, love you, love you," we shout together, with me sticking my head through the car window kissing Blake and 'last touching.'

While this was happening Blake decided to wind-up the window with my head still sticking through!

I grinning like a goon am unaware of this, until a sixth sense kicks in, and I am certain my head is about to be sliced off and fall into his lap!

"Save me, save me," I shout to a puzzled Blake, who appears to be wondering why no-one saves him at bath time. He eventually removes his finger from the lever.

Misty, of course, found the whole incident hilarious.

I suppose it was funny. In a way.

Just Another Day

Saffa's have a TV Channel, e-tv, and for reasons only known to them an additional aerial needs to be installed.

An appointment is confirmed with George to install said aerial, for yesterday evening @ 18h00, as Joshua is using the ladder to paint the gutters and clocks off at 16h00.

With no prior warning George hoots at the gate at 13h00.

After a heated exchange - George: "I need the ladder to get up into the ceiling!" and Joshua: "I need the ladder to finish my job!", George, enquires as to whether I have another ladder.

What is this - Builders Hardware?

Steven returns from there with paintbrushes and thinners only to discover, that Joshua is painting the newly installed gutters with enamel paint.

Another heated exchange - Steven: "What the ****, is the matter with you?" Joshua: "Sorry, I must have lost my mind," and off he goes.

George then climbs up the ladder into the ceiling with a request, that Steven remains still i.e. in one spot,(a tall order) to confirm the picture clarity.

The bellowing begins.

George: "What is happening now?"

Steven: "Nothing!"

George: "And, now?"

Steven: "Still, nothing!"

George: "What do you mean?"

Steven: "It's still fuzzy. Wait, now it's clear. No, it's fuzzy again."

After an hour of this, George stomps down the ladder.

"**** this!!!", they both say in unison. Steven pours a beer each, and they ponder this way and that, cursing e-tv.

It later transpires that George was sold the incorrect aerial.

This morning Joshua arrives to re-scrape the gutters, and George arrives gazing longingly at the ladder, to install the new aerial.

"Where is Steven? I need him again."

"Maybe, I can help," I offer.

In thirty minutes - e-tv. In three hours - sparkling gutters.

Then There are Those

When Terrylin opened its doors Steven and I were rather ignorant about certain folk.

During a 'phone call, it was arranged that Steven would collect a gentleman and his wife from the airport.

"We are here, waiting outside Terminal B," with a detailed description of how Steven was to recognise them.

They returned an hour and a half later after Steven located them waiting for their meal at Mugg and Bean.

Their explanation. "We didn't think you'd be here in ten minutes as you said."

Steven also had to plead with Security not to clamp the car tyres and had to pay a hefty parking fee, which took care of the price for the accommodation.

This couple onward to Livingstone asked if they could leave one suitcase here,(which turned out to be three) as they would return within four days, and would like to re-book the room.

His wife, left a review - The owner was a real sweaty.

Four days later they re-appear via a taxi in a flap.

"We are here to collect our luggage. Please hurry. The taxi driver has the meter on!"

Andre calls to be collected from Park Station: "The price is a real bargain. The taxi wanted to charge double that. Could you also take me to the airport to collect my friend?"

Later: "So sorry, Steve, but my friend has found another place, much cheaper. Could you offer me discount, for collecting me from the station?"

Last night, Lara, requested a quiet, private room with the lights switched off and a taxi at 4h30.

"What time is your flight?" I ask.

"Oh, only at midday. I just wanted to get there early, so that I can read my book."

Be a real sweaty now, I remind myself.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you," continues Lara. "I am going to the bush. Please may I take your hairdryer? I will return it when I come back, but I don't know when that will be?"

"No," I say, "the other guests may need it."

"Just need the loo." Lara runs off carrying her backpack, which she then flings into the taxi, telling the driver to 'hurry, hurry.'

I hope there is electricity in the bush, Lara, so you may use my hairdryer.

What Would You Do?

As I was re-checking the rooms for late arrivals, tring-tring...

"Hel...", say I.

"I have missed my flight."

"Oh no - who am I speaking to?"

"Gaskalada Konomipolous. (I think I heard correctly.) And don't you dare take the payment from my credit card! Don't you dare, you hear me!!"

"Could you please spell your name for me?" I asked.

"What?"

"You card has already been debited," I explain. "You have to give at least a days notice. It's all there on your booking form."

"I am giving a days notice. My booking is for tomorrow."

"No, it's for tonight - Wednesday, 30th May. I am reading it, right here."

"I would like to speak to your Manager, right now!"

"You may speak to me."

"Do you realise that I am 'phoning from my cell 'phone, here in Memphis? Now, why would I make a booking for tonight, if I am still here in Memphis"

Yesterday morning, an e-mail.

I am flying in from the USA next week. I would like to book a dorm bed. I would also like discount as I am bringing in food for the orphans in Swaziland. I do not have much money. I would also like you to contact the bus to Swaziland leaving the following morning, and ask them to pop by at your place so that I can save the fare to the terminal B at OR Tambo.

I would also like a physical description of the driver. As you can understand I am very nervous about landing at your airport in the middle of Johannesburg. Also, what would it cost me for a taxi driver to bring me to your place at midnight?"

R100, I mail back.

That is much too expensive. I have contacted another driver at the airport and he will only charge me R150. Which is not bad considering it is so late at night. For the life of me, I cannot think why I booked this flight so late.

Flora and Dora

I received a call from two ladies whom I will name, Flora and Dora.

F: "On your website, we see that you have twin rooms with a shared bathroom."

D: "Are you sure, sure?"

F: "Ok, we will book a twin room on condition, that there are no other guests tonight. We do not like backpackers."

D: "They make too much noise."

As it so happened, Terrylin had six but Flora and Dora arrived anyway.

F: "We normally stay in 5* hotels, but I guess this is ok, hey Dora?"

D: "Do you mind if we use the kitchen to make a cup of decaf? We won't use your coffee."

F: (bellowing down the passage) "Dora, where is your tin of decaf?"

As the evening wore on the backpackers appointed a leader to enquire whether I could ask the two ladies, to quieten down as they were making too much noise.

The following morning, Flora and Dora while sipping their decaf in the front garden, the bleary-eyed backpackers packed their camper van and left.

A black gentleman guest packed his luggage into his car, and said goodbye to Flora and Dora.

D: "Are you a taxi driver?"

F: "No? We thought you were the driver for the backpackers."

Flora and Dora, then decide to allocate an hour for breakfast.

D: "Do we absolutely, definitely, have to leave by 10? Sure. Sure."

F: "Could we have at least, another 15 minutes please? You can clean around us. We won't bother you at all."

Five minutes later, and more...

D: "You may clean the breakfast table now."

F: "Do you have a scale to weigh our luggage?"

D: "Your wi-fi isn't working."

F: "I am from Holland, but I flew in on Air France. Do you know why this is?"

D: "Do you know today's temperature and tomorrow's?"

F: "Do you have a refuse bag?"

D: "We are still hungry. We are used to more substantial breakfasts. Could you fry us eggs and bacon?"

F: "We will also have a last cup of decaf. We can't drink your coffee. We also need the milk boiled."

D: "Do you polish your floors regularly? I can recommend something."

F: "Do you have an iron? We are off to a business meeting."

D: "I nearly forgot. I will be leaving a bag of soil for your garden. It will do it the world of good. We asked for a soil sample in Mozambique and the guy gave us a whole bag."

As I am opening the gate,

F: "It is still two hours before our meeting. We are thinking of coming back. Could we have a quick look around?"

Now, where did I leave my Calmettes?