Here are a series of events that have occurred over the past five years. Not for the faint-hearted.
Beauty e-mails from Botswana - I need a nice room. I want to have sex. Can you arrange this? He must be a white man.
Now, as I don't need any more nonsense, I don't reply. But, maybe I should have.
Beauty arrives and sees Steven sitting innocently on the sofa.
"Thank you. Thank you," gushes Beauty, hugging me.
Smiling at Steven, Beauty trills: "Don't go anywhere. I won't be long. I just need to freshen up."
"Now, what is this all about?" asks Steven. After this is all sorted, he seriously insists that I warn him of all such situations in advance, while Beauty and I fall about laughing.
A 'phone call: "Do you have a room for lovers? Do you have mirrors? And, do you supply towels and lotion? Must be Nivea for Men."
Byron, I knew it was you putting on an accent, and so I replied:
"Towels and mirrors yes, Nivea no, but I do have an over-supply of Clover Dairy Whipped and KY Gel."
Trudy: "I have been really upset since I left the airport in France. They made me leave my guava behind. I am missing it so. Do you perhaps have an extra one for me? Also, for breakfast do you have any eggs? I'll pay extra.
Not at my age, my dear.
*Anton and *Crystal, who is covering her face with a scarf, reluctantly sign the register.
Crystal: "This is Anton, MY HUSBAND, and I am Crystal, HIS WIFE.
Like hell you are, but why should I care?
Rob, aka G I Joe, a boot camp instructor, strutted about shirtless, and flexed his muscles whenever anyone passed him by.
Lucy, from London, who like Rob, booked a dorm bed, arrived later.
"I am so super-excited, and so nervous. I am flying to Cape Town tomorrow to see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him in six months. And, I'm going to meet his folks to see if I am suitable. Very wealthy they are. From Constantia. He asked me to marry him. I said yes." (Squeal)
Moments later: "There appears to be a half naked man sleeping in one of the beds. (What. What.) Not that I mind though. Honest to God. Just thought I'd let you know."
If Lucy appeared flushed on her arrival, she resembled an overripe tomato the following morning.
G I Joe emerged later and insisted on a blow and blow account of their antics.
".... And, then I lifted her up with one arm."
Steven: "Who just left?"
"Lucy and Charles Atlas," I replied.
Trevor 'phones: "I tried to book a suite at the InterContinental, but they are full. I am with two ladies. Twins. Tomorrow is their birthday. I need a huge favour. Can you arrange a breakfast, with all the bells and whistles? Cards, cloths, roses in vases on silver trays. Don't want you to go to too much trouble, though. I will carry the tray through, so as not to cause you extra work.
"Well, um..." I say.
"They'd do that at the InterContinental, and um, you see, they are a lot younger than me and I really want to satisfy them."
Steven: "Who was that?"
"Hugh Hefner, or maybe Byron," I reply.
Steven, ever the comedian, and who has a solution to every problem:
"Why don't you call back and tell him to just give them an extra inch?"