tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48993537457785809432024-03-12T18:17:54.427-07:00Terrylin BackpackersI am a hostel owner in Johannesburg, South Africa.
These are my stories, from the other side.
A Laugh a Minute - Sometimes...
I also blog about Blake. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-29609312011715757842013-11-03T00:44:00.000-07:002013-11-03T22:23:11.429-08:00An Extra InchHere are a series of events that have occurred over the past five years. Not for the faint-hearted.<br />
<br />
Beauty e-mails from Botswana - I need a nice room. I want to have sex. Can you arrange this? He must be a white man.<br />
<br />
Now, as I don't need any more nonsense, I don't reply. But, maybe I should have.<br />
<br />
Beauty arrives and sees Steven sitting innocently on the sofa.<br />
<br />
"Thank you. Thank you," gushes Beauty, hugging me.<br />
<br />
Smiling at Steven, Beauty trills: "Don't go anywhere. I won't be long. I just need to freshen up."<br />
<br />
"Now, what is this all about?" asks Steven. After this is all sorted, he seriously insists that I warn him of all such situations in advance, while Beauty and I fall about laughing.<br />
<br />
A 'phone call: "Do you have a room for lovers? Do you have mirrors? And, do you supply towels and lotion? Must be Nivea for Men."<br />
<br />
Byron, I knew it was you putting on an accent, and so I replied:<br />
<br />
"Towels and mirrors yes, Nivea no, but I do have an over-supply of Clover Dairy Whipped and KY Gel."<br />
<br />
Trudy: "I have been really upset since I left the airport in France. They made me leave my guava behind. I am missing it so. Do you perhaps have an extra one for me? Also, for breakfast do you have any eggs? I'll pay extra.<br />
<br />
Not at my age, my dear.<br />
<br />
*Anton and *Crystal, who is covering her face with a scarf, reluctantly sign the register.<br />
<br />
Crystal: "This is Anton, MY HUSBAND, and I am Crystal, HIS WIFE.<br />
<br />
Like hell you are, but why should I care?<br />
<br />
Rob, aka G I Joe, a boot camp instructor, strutted about shirtless, and flexed his muscles whenever anyone passed him by.<br />
<br />
Lucy, from London, who like Rob, booked a dorm bed, arrived later.<br />
<br />
"I am so super-excited, and so nervous. I am flying to Cape Town tomorrow to see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him in six months. And, I'm going to meet his folks to see if I am suitable. Very wealthy they are. From Constantia. He asked me to marry him. I said yes." (Squeal)<br />
<br />
Moments later: "There appears to be a half naked man sleeping in one of the beds. (What. What.) Not that I mind though. Honest to God. Just thought I'd let you know."<br />
<br />
If Lucy appeared flushed on her arrival, she resembled an overripe tomato the following morning.<br />
<br />
G I Joe emerged later and insisted on a blow and blow account of their antics.<br />
<br />
".... And, then I lifted her up with one arm."<br />
<br />
Steven: "Who just left?"<br />
<br />
"Lucy and Charles Atlas," I replied.<br />
<br />
Trevor 'phones: "I tried to book a suite at the InterContinental, but they are full. I am with two ladies. Twins. Tomorrow is their birthday. I need a huge favour. Can you arrange a breakfast, with all the bells and whistles? Cards, cloths, roses in vases on silver trays. Don't want you to go to too much trouble, though. I will carry the tray through, so as not to cause you extra work.<br />
<br />
"Well, um..." I say.<br />
<br />
"They'd do that at the InterContinental, and um, you see, they are a lot younger than me and I really want to satisfy them."<br />
<br />
Steven: "Who was that?"<br />
<br />
"Hugh Hefner, or maybe Byron," I reply.<br />
<br />
Steven, ever the comedian, and who has a solution to every problem:<br />
<br />
"Why don't you call back and tell him to just give them an extra inch?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-23974679610196157902013-10-12T01:30:00.003-07:002013-12-04T22:17:16.495-08:00For A LaughIt says on your website, that you have baths and showers. Do you have toilets?<br />
<br />
I will be back in a month. Can I take the bedroom key with me?<br />
<br />
I left my 'phone in the taxi. Can I use yours to plan my trip around Europe?<br />
<br />
Why won't your callbox take 10 cents? I've been trying all morning.<br />
<br />
Why are there so many black people in Africa?<br />
<br />
Can you change the plug on your electric blanket to my American one?<br />
<br />
So, this is the Joh'burg thunderstorm. Can I hang my washing outside to dry?<br />
<br />
Is the airport still in the same place this morning as it was last night.<br />
<br />
I have ordered a taxi. Could you give me a detailed description of the driver, so I can recognise him when he arrives?<br />
<br />
Can I book tonight on condition that there are no other guests.<br />
<br />
I am from Ireland. I flew in on KLM. Do you know why this is?<br />
<br />
I am off to Morocco next week. Do you know if it will rain there?<br />
<br />
Fifa World Cup - If England is not in the Final, can I have my money back?<br />
<br />
I opened your yoghurt, and it flew asunder, over my face.<br />
<br />
Help me. I book a tour today, for tomorrow, to go yesterday.<br />
<br />
I left the shower panel under the bed for safe-keeping.<br />
<br />
You really should have a plug point in your garden.<br />
<br />
Am I in Australia?<br />
<br />
"Please make my juice colder, says Sven.<br />
<br />
"I will fetch some ice," I say.<br />
<br />
"Aas, not nice," replies Sven. "Oh, ice. Aah, that is better. Good."<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-37564100923045844802013-10-12T00:37:00.001-07:002013-10-12T00:37:18.750-07:00A Knife in JohannesburgoSome overseas travellers are concerned about crime. But, sometimes I wonder if I should be afraid of them?<br />
<br />
FROM CHINA<br />
<br />
Ho arrived with the thickest Croxley file I have ever seen, with more documents than Interpol.<br />
<br />
"Is it safe to walk to the supermarket alone? I cannot find this on my Google map, so I assume it's not safe. You will have to come with, so I can use you as a shield."<br />
<br />
FROM I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE<br />
<br />
I received a booking with this message - Do not debit card. It is stolen. I am a lawer. travel agent not have credit card facilyties - Tell me cost in doolars and punds, and for flite and tour. Send me your bank numbers now. So I pay u. U receive a large commission for ur trubles.<br />
<br />
My name is Suntobe A Jailburd.<br />
<br />
FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA<br />
<br />
Two ladies, not sure though, arrived attired in army fatigues. "We are not afraid, mind you, we have a knife for Johannesburgo, if anyone tries to steal our things." Future Exhibit A is exposed. Even Crocodile Dundee would have been impressed. "If we travel through Africa by bus, will we be safe? "We've already paid."<br />
<br />
"If we are in Algeria, say, and we are not safe, can we call you? There is a war going on there, you know. Also, in the Congo. Here is our itinerary."<br />
<br />
FROM TEXAS<br />
<br />
"I hate using my Visa Card here. I am always double debited. If you do the same, I will use the full force of the law, and throw you in jail. In Israel, I spent two effing years in jail because of my effing Visa Card. Mind you, I love Africa. Come here every three years. Please escort me to the ATM. Not safe to walk."<br />
<br />
After three attempts, and much effing, the ATM swallows the card.<br />
<br />
"I told you, didn't I! South Africans steal your money."<br />
<br />
"Do you have the number for lost/stolen cards?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"I did, but someone must have stolen it."<br />
<br />
FROM SUDAN<br />
<br />
"South Africa is a criminal haven. I need you to protect me." Lil followed me. Everywhere. Even to the bathroom. "I need a room with a key that works. I don't want to mingle with the other guests, just to be safe."<br />
<br />
FROM COLUMBIA<br />
<br />
An e-mail. I want to book into your hostile for a week. I won't leave my room. Johannesburgo is not safe. My friend will cum during that time. I have a parcel for him. Don't ask what it is! Will it be safe, if I post it to you? Thank you, Sweaty.<br />
<br />
FROM IRELAND AND NEXT DOOR<br />
<br />
Boetie, was shooting tin cans with an unlicensed pellet gun, a regular occurrence.<br />
<br />
"Call the cops! Call the cops!!" Maeve, nearly knocking me off my feet.<br />
<br />
I swear that if a backpacker let rip under the bedcovers, someone would shout:<br />
<br />
"Call the cops! I heard a gunshot." Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-3151735605739331432013-10-09T23:42:00.000-07:002013-12-04T22:19:45.080-08:00I Have a Question?You may have read/heard some of the questions from Travellers to South Africa, such as: "This plane is very stuffy. Please open the windows," or "Are the lions allowed to use your zebra crossings, or will the zebras get upset?" And, I thought all South African's were black until Charlize won the Oscar."<br />
<br />
As a backpackers' hostel owner, I would like to share the following:<br />
<br />
It took me 7 minutes to get here from the airport. How long will it take me to get back?<br />
<br />
If I use the Go-train (Gautrain) will I get discount because I am French?<br />
<br />
What do the lions eat in the Kruger Park? And, why do they lie down?<br />
<br />
Please will you buy my Lonely Planet Guide and give it to someone else?<br />
<br />
Is it better to change dollars at O R Tambo or in Guam?<br />
<br />
If Steven is from Zimbabwe why isn't he Black?<br />
<br />
I already paid for the other place. They were closed. Can I stay here for free?<br />
<br />
So, your father met the Queen. Was that Victoria?<br />
<br />
Why is the taxi on time? I need to eat and shower first.<br />
<br />
Why do I have to pay for 'phone calls here in South Africa? In Canada they are free.<br />
<br />
Your taxi drivers sure shout a lot. Are they American?<br />
<br />
How can you mix Chinese and Jap's in your dorm? They have stolen our land.<br />
<br />
I would like to book for a month on condition that I can use your car free of charge.<br />
<br />
Although I help myself to other people's food, is it fair that they help themselves to mine?<br />
<br />
Have you ever tasted biltong or braaied meat?<br />
<br />
Do you have a live-in doctor on call for 24 hours?<br />
<br />
Is the time different here than in Ohio?<br />
<br />
I am very small and will only sleep in half the bed? Can I have discount? I only have R50 for three days and still need to eat.<br />
<br />
Why didn't you fetch me from the airport? I didn't know which day I would be arriving, but I thought you'd be there anyway.<br />
<br />
A 'phone call: "Have you debited my account?"<br />
<br />
Me: "Who am I speaking to?"<br />
<br />
"Thank you."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-25042421532853703442013-07-16T04:24:00.000-07:002013-10-31T23:55:52.578-07:00The Go-TrainThe Gautrain is a bonus for travellers wanting to explore Johannesburgo and Pretoria, easily, quickly and cheaply. But, there are those who have roamed around the world, on every type of transport, 'Daddy was an Ambassador', yet find it difficult to hop onto the bus to take them there.<br />
<br />
This is the conversation with R and A, who interpreted and argued for nearly an hour, during which time six busses had arrived and departed.<br />
<br />
R: "We go out. What is the name of the train?"<br />
<br />
Me: "The Gautrain." I hand over the brochure.<br />
<br />
A: "Oh, the Go-train."<br />
<br />
R: "How do we get to the station?"<br />
<br />
Me: "A bus arrives every 10 minutes. Stops on the corner. There is one now."<br />
<br />
A: "What is the name of the bus? And the number?"<br />
<br />
Me: "The Go-train bus. Look, there she goes."<br />
<br />
A: "Is the bus stop on the right or left of the road?"<br />
<br />
R: "Tell the driver to stop in front of your gate."<br />
<br />
A: "How much will it cost? They take the dollars or the euro's, no?"<br />
<br />
Me: "No, only cards. 40 rands each, to catch the bus to the Rhodesfield train station, and then to Sandton."<br />
<br />
R: (Eyes bulge) "80 rands!! Why we pay you and again on the bus? You have cards? You earn commission? We share a card. We are French couple."<br />
<br />
A: "Where is road and field? We go to Sandton." <br />
<br />
A: "How long to Sandton? How long to walk to corner?"<br />
<br />
A: "Tell us one more time."<br />
<br />
And, then there was O.<br />
<br />
"Lend me your 'phone to call my mate in Pretoria. He said I must catch the Go-train. Calls on my mobile are very expensive. I will be quick."<br />
<br />
"Hi M," and off O goes - flight turbulence, airport conditions, the hostel, and his cash flow problems. "M, where is the station in Rhodesfield? And, the one in Pretoria? How will I get there? What is the price? How long will it take? Is it clean? Is it safe?"<br />
<br />
Finally, "Call M when I leave and tell him I am safe. And, tell him it will take me fifteen minutes to get there, like you said. The bugger had better be waiting. I cannot pay for the card. I am skint."<br />
<br />
Later, K and B arrive: "We caught the train from Park Station. And, the bus here. Easy-peasy. So convenient. And, we heard that they are extending the line to Durban. Absolutely bluddy marvellous."<br />
<br />
And, so were they.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-19011292651622524182013-07-09T03:18:00.001-07:002013-12-14T23:25:04.240-08:00My HolidayAimee invited me on an all expenses paid four day holiday to Mt. Edgecombe, Umhlanga.<br />
<br />
As I have not been on holiday in thirteen years, unlike y'all, this was big!<br />
<br />
Yo. <br />
<br />
Steven told me to go, I deserve the break, he said, but to show him "what I actually do around here besides sitting at the computer all day." <br />
<br />
"Don't worry about the cleaning. Anybody can make a bed and vacuum. Just show me how to 'block-off' a new booking." <br />
<br />
Steven pulls up a chair and we begin with the inbox. There are enquiries from SafariNow and TravelGround. I tell him to click on the link. Off he goes clicking left and right. I ask him to have some patience. He tells me he doesn't have any.<br />
<br />
Ok, he doesn't move the mouse over the screen, but dramatically decides he is going to throw it in the bin.<br />
<br />
"Guests don't have mouses when they come here. Why do you put up with this shit?"<br />
<br />
And, so we begin...<br />
<br />
"Why can I only see half the page?" He asks. "And, didn't Byron tell you to use the same username and password for all of them?"<br />
<br />
"All the passwords are stored with the sites. Here, you only need to click once."<br />
<br />
"No, I will save these on my 'phone, just in case." <br />
<br />
Steven loads Booking.Com and Agoda. Then while loading HostelWorld deletes Booking.Com.<br />
<br />
"Ok, that's enough now. I'm tired. What are you doing now?"<br />
<br />
"Sending new photo's. Could I show you how to upload, drop and drag, copy and paste?"<br />
<br />
Four long days later the 'plane lands and I switch on my mobile. Four missed calls from Steven.<br />
<br />
"Do we have any bookings for the next four days? The 'phone never stops ringing and there are people at the gate."<br />
<br />
"The bookings for the next two months are pinned on the notice board. The rest are in the file that I showed you."<br />
<br />
Day One. "There are messages here from SafariNow and TravelGround. You never showed me this."<br />
<br />
Day Two. "Someone wants an invoice. You never showed me this either."<br />
<br />
Day Three. "I waited up all last night. The guests didn't show. How do I debit their account? And, I asked Beatrice to come in and make the beds and clean."<br />
<br />
Day Four. "You have messages here. You have won millions of dollars. And, a lady from Russia would like to meet you. And, someone from Nigeria has had all his money stolen, and he would like you to help him. And, inland revenue owes you money, but they need your banking details and password?" <br />
<br />
"Where do I click to reply? Is it left or right? And, how many times?"<br />
<br />
Other than that, my holiday with Aimee was awesome.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-11490120263062167672013-04-03T23:15:00.001-07:002014-03-24T02:34:34.143-07:00Today, I am RalphBlake bounds into reception.<br />
<br />
"Hello, Blake," say I.<br />
<br />
"My name is Ralph. Tell her, mommy. And, you are not my Guppy anymore."<br />
<br />
Gulp.<br />
<br />
"You are now my Dolphin."<br />
<br />
Blake's name varies from Ralph to Andy to Spiderman to Superman to Tarzan - dramatic displays included.<br />
<br />
Or, "Hello, what is your name today?"<br />
<br />
"Blake."<br />
<br />
Teacher Edith, roster in hand:<br />
<br />
"Alan Armstrong?"<br />
<br />
"Here, ma'am."<br />
<br />
"Chris Buitendag?"<br />
<br />
"Here, ma'am."<br />
<br />
"Blake Campbell?"<br />
<br />
"Not here, ma'am. But Batman, is."<br />
<br />
At reception, I have two chairs, with animal print cushion covers. I sit down.<br />
<br />
"Uppy Guppy Dolphin! You're sitting on the lion's tail, and he will jump up and bite you."<br />
<br />
Misty bought a fish tank with two goldies, the colour of Blake's hair. They died that night. Misty was concerned about breaking the awful news.<br />
<br />
Misty: "I am so sorry."<br />
<br />
Blake: "Never mind, mommy. It's okay, really. But, they must have been in a hurry to go to heaven. They weren't here for very long."<br />
<br />
A sleepover at Aimee.<br />
<br />
Aimee: "Bedtime, Blake and sleep tight."<br />
<br />
Blake: "Aimee, please stay here, I can't sleep."<br />
<br />
Aimee: "Why not, Blake?"<br />
<br />
Blake: "I forgot to tell you how much I love you."<br />
<br />
In the pool at Guppy's, Blake bursts into song:<br />
<br />
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,<br />
I wish I had a chocolate bar.<br />
My mommy drives<br />
An old, white car...<br />
<br />
Pause for thought -<br />
<br />
"You know, mommy, you don't need armbands. You've got boobies!"<br />
<br />
Whatever keeps one afloat.<br />
<br />
The other evening Blake said to Misty: "Now, tell me Mommy, how was your day today?"<br />
<br />
After a long toing and froing of Blake asking: "And, then what did he say?" And, "So what did you do?" he says: "Mommy, are you not going to ask me how my day went?"<br />
<br />
"So, how did your day go?" says Misty giggling.<br />
<br />
"Ok," is Blake's only reply.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-36169246974544238522012-12-25T01:58:00.000-08:002013-11-19T22:00:08.455-08:00Keys Me QuickSome travellers perceive Saffers as a thieving lot, and Terrylin had a problem with the keys.<br />
<br />
Mom and Dad, waiting outside for collection, felt they needed to check their luggage.<br />
<br />
All. The. Time.<br />
<br />
"Geoffrey, ask Joy for the key, and see if our things are still ok."<br />
<br />
"Sabrina, ask Joy for the key, and check if everything is still there."<br />
<br />
Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Slam. Bang.<br />
<br />
Also, worthy of a mention, were the bathroom doors. The keys were twisted, left and right, up and down, back and forth, in and out, falling on the floor, until we were driven batty.<br />
<br />
So, Steven replaced the handles with the vacant/engaged gadgets, and made the following discoveries:<br />
<br />
1. A tampon, in one handle. To discourage the Peeping Toms?<br />
<br />
2. A pound coin, in the other. One thought one had to pay. What. What.<br />
<br />
On a roll, Steven also replaced the sign on the front wall, with a light inside. So powerful, one can read Terrylin for Travellers - Budget Accommodation - from the airport.<br />
<br />
But, of course, a couple, had to ring the bell:<br />
<br />
"Is Terrylin for Travellers, also Terrylin Backpackers? Are we at the right place? We are going out again, and need a key for the front gate."<br />
<br />
Japie, an Afrikaner, was asked to set the light switch - on, from 6:30 pm and off, at 11:30pm, but, what with the half ses and six thirty, ditto, 11:30, spent days here trying to sort out the problem.<br />
<br />
I ran ragged, back and forth, with the keys.<br />
<br />
Another time, Terrylin was full and on their departure, I discovered EVERY door key missing.<br />
<br />
Saysa: "I will be back in three days time, so can I take the key with me?" <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-33624975686495027642012-12-25T00:07:00.000-08:002013-12-30T21:37:09.010-08:00Blake, A Big Boy NowBlake, is now three and a half, years old.<br />
<br />
Last week, my family spent the morning at the Crafter's Market, and when I whooshed Blake into my arms, I said:<br />
<br />
"Hello, my big man," <br />
<br />
To be told: "I am not a man. I am still a boy. That is a man." (Nodding at AJ).<br />
<br />
So, now I know.<br />
<br />
"Blake," I continued, "You know what I found in the garden this morning? A real, live, bunny."<br />
<br />
"If you don't want him, Guppy, I'll have him. Oh, no, the dogs!"<br />
<br />
Hoisted on AJ's shoulders, we wandered about, our separate ways, and there was an update on our whereabouts:<br />
<br />
"Where are you, Guppy? Oh, there you are. Where, are you now, Mommy? And, Aimee?"<br />
<br />
Then: "You know, AJ. I keep on finding one, and then losing another one."<br />
<br />
At lunch, the waitron said: "You know, this is the best behaved three year old, I have ever seen in this restaurant."<br />
<br />
Three and a half...<br />
<br />
Later that evening, we returned to Emporers Palace to view the Festival of Lights, and Blake found Santa Claus:<br />
<br />
"I know you. You are the real Santa Claus! You were at my house last year."<br />
<br />
Blake was rewarded with a sucker:<br />
<br />
"Thank you, but I will also need one for my Mommy. I'll keep it for her."<br />
<br />
After a delightful day, Misty drove me home, and Blake, near to tears, said:<br />
<br />
"I will not cry. Like the last time. I am a big boy now."<br />
<br />
At Terrylin, I kissed Blake goodbye, and noticed Misty, looking over her shoulder.<br />
<br />
Blake was making a kissing face. And, I saw him.<br />
<br />
"You may close the door now, Guppy. Goodbye."<br />
<br />
Misty called, the following morning. <br />
<br />
Blake: "Why do you guys get to sleep together, when I have to sleep alone?"<br />
<br />
Nick: "You have all your toys to sleep with."<br />
<br />
Blake: "Ok, tomorrow night, I bring them with me..."<br />
<br />
Blake asked Misty to explain the meaning of Christmas. Misty replied that this was to celebrate Jesus' birthday and that's why children receive presents.<br />
<br />
Blake: "I love Jesus. He is like a big brother to me." <br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-973247657327664332012-10-09T02:34:00.000-07:002013-12-02T01:08:25.293-08:00Check My DimmersA backpacker binned a posh pair of sunnies, which I gave to Gideon, the gardener.<br />
<br />
One would think they were diamond encrusted the way he carried on.<br />
<br />
I heard the weed-eater, full throttle and then silence. I peered over the gate as Madam is wont to do.<br />
<br />
Gideon did not see me as he was busy impressing the passers by who had skidded in their tracks in admiration.<br />
<br />
"Where did you get those dimmers?"<br />
<br />
"Can I also work for your madam?"<br />
<br />
"How cool, hey? Those are the real deal."<br />
<br />
A cacophony of shrieks of laughter, eishing and backslapping ensued.<br />
<br />
"Gideon!" I screeched, and the admirers scattered. "Give me those sunglasses. You can have them back, when you have finished your work."<br />
<br />
"Good idea, Madam." he said. A tsotsi asked me if he could try them on. But, he would have run off with them. Now I have a sore head. A cold beer would go down nicely."<br />
<br />
I placed them on the coffee table where they promptly disappeared.<br />
<br />
Steven strutted through, sunnies aloft: "Who left these? I'll have them."<br />
<br />
"They are Gideon's," I wearily replied.<br />
<br />
"Really? How much do you pay him?"<br />
<br />
Gideon later: "Madam, those dimmers are fake. You can keep them. My friend sells them on the streets. And, he knows these things."<br />
<br />
Sitting in the garden one evening, I told Steven that Warren Buffet said: "I am sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree."<br />
<br />
Steven then decided to have a ginormous one felled to make space for a carport. A quotation from Patrick for R1 800 sealed the deal.<br />
<br />
During the day, an over excited Steven decided to go the whole hog, adding one tree after the other, verbal quotations going to and fro with Patrick 'phoning for additional staff.<br />
<br />
At R5 000, I asked Steven to settle down.<br />
<br />
"This is going to cost you," said Colin, a retiree from SARS, sticking his head over the wall and wagging his finger.<br />
<br />
When Patrick presented the invoice, Steven, ever the comedian, inspected it and said: "What's this? R5 000! I thought we had agreed on R500. Tell you what, I can give you a nice pair of dimmers in exchange."<br />
<br />
Patrick's face was a picture.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-87781146118213436112012-09-29T00:25:00.001-07:002013-12-30T21:38:22.830-08:00Blake, the Busybody.Every gran's grandchild is the grandest.<br />
<br />
We moan about our children, but boast about our grandchildren. Or so, I've heard.<br />
<br />
Before my daughters were born, I dreamed of a mischievous, ginger son, with a frog in his pocket.<br />
<br />
I have been blessed with Blake.<br />
<br />
Blake's best cuddly animal, is his Woofie. Before he sleeps, Woofie is suffocated with hugs and kisses. <br />
<br />
One night, a dog barked outside. Blake was in his element - Woofie was alive.<br />
<br />
Blake likes to help around the house. Everything has a place, and he always parks his bika in the bedroom.<br />
<br />
If I ask to speak to Blake, over the 'phone, and say: "Hello Blake," he points to himself. Ditto, if he sees a photo of himself, he points to his face, and smiles and kisses the 'photo.<br />
<br />
After using the loo, he uses the brush to clean, scrubbing and laughing.<br />
<br />
Misty unpacked a melted cooldrink cup from the dishwasher. Blake threw back his head, held his tummy and laughed.<br />
<br />
He was also thrilled to he bones, flicking light switches on and off. He nearly flew out of our arms, giggling.<br />
<br />
On one of Blake's memorable visits I heard my hair dryer full throttle, and then feet scuttling down the passage.<br />
<br />
Blake was nowhere to be found.<br />
<br />
Panic. "Blake, Blake, Blaake, BLAKE," No reply.<br />
<br />
I discover a curled-up, giggling bundle under the bed.<br />
<br />
Silence. Blake is hanging my jewellery on the door handles.<br />
<br />
As a treat, Steven takes Blake to see some real bika's.<br />
<br />
Blake went bananas - "Bika's! Bikaa's! Bikaaa's!", and pointed to the posters.<br />
<br />
Even the mechanics walked in to witness the commotion.<br />
<br />
Steven told me that Blake was offered a beer.<br />
<br />
He can tell such porkies sometimes.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-90904143334291485572012-09-28T02:31:00.000-07:002013-12-30T21:39:16.655-08:00Pee-PaapAfter nearly eight years, with no incidents, The Campbells decide to install an alarm.<br />
<br />
Misty memorised the code, and nagged Nick to do so.<br />
<br />
With Blake's assistance, the eyes were pointed out, and panic buttons stored in a safe place.<br />
<br />
Nick confirmed that he now understood.<br />
<br />
It had to happen.<br />
<br />
The following morning, Nick entered the kitchen, to make a cuppa, and the household, not to mention, the neighbourhood, was awakened.<br />
<br />
Pee-Paap. Pee-Paap. Pee-Paap.<br />
<br />
Blake skidded into the marital bed, and pulled a pillow over his head.<br />
<br />
Misty's mobile rings, with Nick shouting:<br />
<br />
"What's the code? What's the damn code?"<br />
<br />
"It's 12345, Daddy."<br />
<br />
Blake, with minimal mishaps, has now graduated to the loo.<br />
<br />
Nick: "Come on my boy, you must go and wee."<br />
<br />
Blake enjoys this, saying: "Shake it. Shake it."<br />
<br />
Blake's instructions to mommy are to bring Syd and a potty.<br />
<br />
As Blake leans over the loo, Syd is seated on the potty.<br />
<br />
"Are you finished now, Blake?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, Daddy, but please leave Syd. He is busy with a pooh."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-44798642867707209412012-09-27T23:51:00.000-07:002013-12-30T21:40:08.973-08:00High FivesBlake is now 18 months old, throws a ball, and kicks it.<br />
<br />
Real Madrid must be notified asap.<br />
<br />
Nick and Blake also watch WWE Raw, and the fun begins.<br />
<br />
Nick swings Blake over his shoulder, throws him up, catches him, and they fall onto the floor.<br />
<br />
Nick then leaves the lounge, and Blake runs to his toy box, retrieves a large monkey, and waits for Nick to return.<br />
<br />
Blake then pummels the monkey to an inch of its stuffed life, complete with sound effects.<br />
<br />
Nick walks away again, and Blake peers down the passage.<br />
<br />
He then hugs, kisses and pats the monkey: "There, there."<br />
<br />
On Nick's return, the monkey is, once again, flying around the room.<br />
<br />
One evening, a very sad Blake said : "Jay-Jay hit me at school today."<br />
<br />
No nonsense Nick, was having none of this:<br />
<br />
"Come here, my boy. I'll show you how to doesch-doesch."<br />
<br />
The following day, the result.<br />
<br />
Misty: "How was school today?"<br />
<br />
Blake: "Good."<br />
<br />
Misty: "Did Jay-Jay doesch you?"<br />
<br />
Blake : "Yip."<br />
<br />
Misty: "Did you cry?"<br />
<br />
Blake : "Noooo!"<br />
<br />
Misty: "Did you doesch him back?"<br />
<br />
Blake: "Yip."<br />
<br />
Misty: "Did you make him cry?"<br />
<br />
Blake : "Yip. Two times."<br />
<br />
And, up go Blake hands for a high-five. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-26615033419520569362012-09-26T01:17:00.000-07:002013-12-08T23:03:28.287-08:00Connecting with Friends and Family"Do you have a code for the wee-fee?" ask many as they enter the front door.<br />
<br />
Indeed we do and this is free, for up to an hour.<br />
<br />
You may 'phone your mom, to say that you are safe, and update your 200 friends on Facebook.<br />
<br />
There is also a call box and World Call cards for purchase. No, I do not earn a commission.<br />
<br />
I don't know how much it will cost you. Where are you 'phoning? How long will you speak?<br />
<br />
"I dunno. A minute, maybe."<br />
<br />
Card inserted. Number dialled.<br />
<br />
"Yo, mon, it's yo bitch. Whadya mean, which one?"<br />
<br />
Next call from the queue.<br />
<br />
"Hi Mom. Yes, I'm safe. Where's dad? Please put him on."<br />
<br />
Minutes later.<br />
<br />
"Oh, hi, Dad. Yes, I am safe. I'm here in Joh'burg, remember. Where's Sal?"<br />
<br />
More minutes later.<br />
<br />
"In the bathroom? OK. Tell her I say hi. Is Jeremy there? Don't worry, I'll hold.<br />
<br />
Even more minutes.<br />
<br />
"When, he gets back, tell him I say hi. Is that Rover barking in the background?<br />
Please put him on."<br />
<br />
"Hello, Rove, how are you, my big boy? I miss you loads. Woof Woof."<br />
<br />
"Oh, hello Sal, what were you doing? That's disgusting!"<br />
<br />
"Hello, Helloo, Hellooo."<br />
<br />
I am given the evil eye: "Phone calls here are so expensive. I only spoke for a minute."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-63053191077989776472012-09-26T00:47:00.000-07:002013-12-08T23:07:19.279-08:00Ding Dong Dementia"Helloo," say I, from the gate bell receiver.<br />
<br />
No reply.<br />
<br />
As I have other things to attend to, I begin cleaning the furthest bedroom.<br />
<br />
Ding Dong. Same scenario.<br />
<br />
So I march into the garden, and discover six little bored buggers, fingers poised.<br />
<br />
"Do that again," I bellow, "And, I will beat you with my broomstick."<br />
<br />
Twelve eyes, shot out on stalks.<br />
<br />
"It wasn't me, ma'am. It was my brother. I've only just got here," grins the leader of the pack.<br />
<br />
Then, a big belly protrudes from around the corner.<br />
<br />
Octomom : "You can't shout at my kids. It's against the law."<br />
<br />
Silence prevails.<br />
<br />
Ding Dong x 3.<br />
<br />
Out I go again. <br />
<br />
There stands a local bag lady. Sipping from a half jack.<br />
<br />
"I have rung this bell three times."<br />
<br />
"Yes, I heard."<br />
<br />
"I need you to put me up. My husband has been beating me up. My car is broken. I will pay you when I get a job. Why do all the places say they are fully booked? Are you going to leave me out here on the street?"<br />
<br />
Then the cops arrive and bundle her into the back of the van. I am cursed to hell.<br />
<br />
I unplug the bell.<br />
<br />
Later, tapping on the gate.<br />
<br />
I plug in the bell. "Hello!"<br />
<br />
"Your bell does not work. I am looking for Job."<br />
<br />
"Well, let me know when you find him."<br />
<br />
And, the bell does work, believe me.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-48214069663523963692012-09-26T00:05:00.002-07:002013-12-08T23:08:41.971-08:00Aah TishooSteven hates Winter. Full Stop.<br />
<br />
"Why is it so cold?" he'll moan, on a mild Fall day. "Don't you ever get cold?"<br />
<br />
The Afrikaner's say it best - "Fock, dis Koud!" and, "In die Vrystaat, nou dra die manne twee kortbroeke."<br />
<br />
And, then it snowed. <br />
<br />
I had a call, from someone, still not sure who:<br />
<br />
"It's snowing in Sandton." Here, too, in Rhodesfield.<br />
<br />
Steven has had enough, and hurtles to Builders Warehouse, and returns, followed by a delivery truck.<br />
<br />
Two gentlemen, amid much cussing, erect the largest gas heater I have ever seen, in the sitting room.<br />
<br />
It touches the ceiling.<br />
<br />
This is an outdoor heater, designed for the daft, who braai in the snow.<br />
<br />
(A barbeque in South Africa is a flavour of chips.)<br />
<br />
All set up, Steven turns on the heater, and within seconds Terrylin is the devils den.<br />
<br />
"Please return that," I beg Steven. "I feel as though I am going through the Change."<br />
<br />
Of course, Steven nearly takes the chair with him, as he falls out of it laughing.<br />
<br />
Mike and Penny arrived, with Penny having a sneezing fit. All over the guest register, as well.<br />
<br />
Penny : "Aah Tishoo!"<br />
<br />
Mike : "Bless You."<br />
<br />
Penny : "Thank You. Aah Tishoo!"<br />
<br />
Penny went to the bathroom, and sneezed three times in succession.<br />
<br />
Mike, very concerned, knocked on the door.<br />
<br />
"Is that you, Pen?"<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-86355820764396881062012-09-25T23:46:00.000-07:002013-12-30T21:42:13.605-08:00Blake's Bad DayWhile Misty was looking for her missing mobile, she found Blake on his bed, ankles crossed.<br />
<br />
Still too small to dial, but not to speak.<br />
<br />
"Hello, hello, Guppy, are you there?"<br />
<br />
"Where's Guppy?" asks Misty.<br />
<br />
"Guppy's Gone", sighs Blake.<br />
<br />
"Oupa, Oupa, where are you? Your 'phones broken, mommy."<br />
<br />
He then puts his palms together: "Let us Pray."<br />
<br />
Later, "Golf, Daddy, golf. Please Daddy."<br />
<br />
"We can't, my boy. It's raining."<br />
<br />
"Well then, just give me a hug."<br />
<br />
Misty left to do the groceries, and returned to find a little boy she did not recognise sitting in the garden.<br />
<br />
Nick had crew-cut Blake's hair, which resembled a porcupine, and left a pumpkin fritter fringe which was promptly gelled.<br />
<br />
Blake was not amused and Misty attempted to rectify the situation. But the slipped scissor, left Blake with a bald patch.<br />
<br />
He now resembled Dennis the Menace.<br />
<br />
But, Blake's day did get better.<br />
<br />
The family discovered a spider ogling them from the curtains.<br />
<br />
Not an insy winsy one, but a big, fat hairy one resembling Rasputin. This was the size of Nick's hand according to Blake.<br />
<br />
Nick trapped the spider with a bowl, and let it loose in the garden.<br />
<br />
I would have smacked it with a spade.<br />
<br />
In all the excitement, with Misty and Nick screaming like nervous Idols Contestants, Blake was bouncing about, screaming with laughter.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-36393114926059879992012-09-25T21:41:00.000-07:002013-12-08T23:21:12.930-08:00Wooden EyeA couple arrived late last night, and settled into the double room, which has an en-suite shower.<br />
<br />
They appeared to be satisfied: "This is all we need."<br />
<br />
I decided on some 'shut-eye.'<br />
<br />
"Hello, hello," I hear, in the distance.<br />
<br />
"So, sorry, to wake you up. But, we would prefer to bath."<br />
<br />
After having perused the premises, that cannot find one of the three available.<br />
<br />
Back to sleep at 2am, after being asked for a 9am wake-up call.<br />
<br />
"Hello, hello," <br />
<br />
It is now 5.15.<br />
<br />
"Could we Skype and iron a shirt? Where do we do this?"<br />
<br />
I thought this had been discussed at 2am.<br />
<br />
Back to sleep at 6am. Bad move, as I need to be polite and perky at 7am.<br />
<br />
But, even if I could locate matchsticks, these would not keep my eyes open.<br />
<br />
Around 7.30, Tim leaves. He calls at 8.<br />
<br />
"I left my 'phone behind. I am on my way. Please don't bath or anything. I'll be there now-now."<br />
<br />
Around 9am, Tim arrives: "I see you are still in your pyjama."<br />
<br />
Also at 9am, I knock on the double room door. No answer. I tap on the window. Still, no answer.<br />
<br />
Finally.<br />
<br />
"Please wake us up at 10am. We have arranged to be collected at 11. And, please open the gate to let us out."<br />
<br />
Now, why wooden I?"<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-9427571743902220232012-08-04T23:29:00.000-07:002013-12-08T23:26:37.347-08:00BnB = But No Breakfast Alas, Terrylin no longer serves a light breakfast.<br />
<br />
No, this is not due to the recession and rising costs.<br />
<br />
There a small dining area, which can seat six guests at a time, and breakfast was served from 7am.<br />
<br />
Up at 6h30, I laid out the trays, with coffee, tea, sugar, yoghurt, fruit, cereal, bread, juice and jams.<br />
<br />
While in progress, people would fly out of their beds, from said 6h30 with a "What time is breakfast served?", and pull out a chair, while I work around them.<br />
<br />
They then, cosy up, with maps, and tablets, giving me a major headache, to discuss their further journeys, for up to an hour.<br />
<br />
I politely asked, a harassed father with two toddlers, if I could clear the table, and he wrote a rotten review, 'the other guests had to wait patiently!'<br />
<br />
Then, there was a Scotsman with a lassie, who insisted the taxi wait for her, as she was busy, with her breakfast.<br />
<br />
Scott, cottoned on, with a: "Oh, I see why you want me to move. Other people would like to have breakfast." <br />
<br />
As the breakfast was included in the rate, therein lay the problem.<br />
<br />
"I am leaving before 7 am. Could I have an early breakfast?" - "Could I have breakfast tonight?" -"Could I exchange breakfast as a takeaway?" - "Could you add cheese?" - "Could you fry me eggs and bacon, as a favour?"<br />
<br />
So, I got down to business and had breakfast deleted from my website, and all other booking sites. All went well, until...<br />
<br />
On one site, I sent two requests.<br />
<br />
1.) Please delete the 'breakfast included', FROM all the room types.<br />
<br />
2.) Please delete, from the Information Page -'breakfast is served from 7am.'<br />
<br />
Confused Candy, e-mailed me to confirm that she had altered the breakfast to a full English and deleted all the room types.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-7999367613957598092012-07-11T00:48:00.001-07:002013-12-30T21:48:23.913-08:00Off With My HeadBlake, celebrated his third birthday with a party at Terrylin. Thoroughly enjoyed by all, thanks for asking.<br />
<br />
As he is Cancerian, Blake is very house-proud, and if he spills his juice he will find a cloth, and wiping eagerly, will inform all:<br />
<br />
"Look, I messed!"<br />
<br />
On our last weekly get-together, Aimee brought her puppy to show Blake, whom he wanted to exchange with any teddy bear, and not wanting to miss anything, became belligerent at bath time.<br />
<br />
While being led away by Misty, he implored:<br />
<br />
"Guppy, Aimee, Puppy, anybody! Save me, Save me!!"<br />
<br />
Once Blake was in bed, we were absorbed watching 'Desperate Housewives'. One of them began throwing a bowl of fruit about and we heard a voice from the passage:<br />
<br />
"Look, look, she messed!"<br />
<br />
The other afternoon, Misty and Blake, popped in to fetch magazines and marshmellow bunnies, and on leaving:<br />
<br />
"Bye, bye, love you, love you," we shout together, with me sticking my head through the car window kissing Blake and 'last touching.'<br />
<br />
While this was happening Blake decided to wind-up the window with my head still sticking through!<br />
<br />
I grinning like a goon am unaware of this, until a sixth sense kicks in, and I am certain my head is about to be sliced off and fall into his lap!<br />
<br />
"Save me, save me," I shout to a puzzled Blake, who appears to be wondering why no-one saves him at bath time. He eventually removes his finger from the lever.<br />
<br />
Misty, of course, found the whole incident hilarious.<br />
<br />
I suppose it was funny. In a way.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-75308200106951108892012-06-19T00:41:00.001-07:002013-12-09T06:25:05.421-08:00Just Another DaySaffa's have a TV Channel, e-tv, and for reasons only known to them an additional aerial needs to be installed.<br />
<br />
An appointment is confirmed with George to install said aerial, for yesterday evening @ 18h00, as Joshua is using the ladder to paint the gutters and clocks off at 16h00.<br />
<br />
With no prior warning George hoots at the gate at 13h00.<br />
<br />
After a heated exchange - George: "I need the ladder to get up into the ceiling!" and Joshua: "I need the ladder to finish my job!", George, enquires as to whether I have another ladder.<br />
<br />
What is this - Builders Hardware?<br />
<br />
Steven returns from there with paintbrushes and thinners only to discover, that Joshua is painting the newly installed gutters with enamel paint.<br />
<br />
Another heated exchange - Steven: "What the ****, is the matter with you?" Joshua: "Sorry, I must have lost my mind," and off he goes.<br />
<br />
George then climbs up the ladder into the ceiling with a request, that Steven remains still i.e. in one spot,(a tall order) to confirm the picture clarity.<br />
<br />
The bellowing begins.<br />
<br />
George: "What is happening now?"<br />
<br />
Steven: "Nothing!"<br />
<br />
George: "And, now?"<br />
<br />
Steven: "Still, nothing!"<br />
<br />
George: "What do you mean?"<br />
<br />
Steven: "It's still fuzzy. Wait, now it's clear. No, it's fuzzy again."<br />
<br />
After an hour of this, George stomps down the ladder.<br />
<br />
"**** this!!!", they both say in unison. Steven pours a beer each, and they ponder this way and that, cursing e-tv.<br />
<br />
It later transpires that George was sold the incorrect aerial.<br />
<br />
This morning Joshua arrives to re-scrape the gutters, and George arrives gazing longingly at the ladder, to install the new aerial.<br />
<br />
"Where is Steven? I need him again."<br />
<br />
"Maybe, I can help," I offer.<br />
<br />
In thirty minutes - e-tv. In three hours - sparkling gutters. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-54364451130103466022012-06-03T00:13:00.000-07:002013-12-09T06:33:23.722-08:00Then There are ThoseWhen Terrylin opened its doors Steven and I were rather ignorant about certain folk.<br />
<br />
During a 'phone call, it was arranged that Steven would collect a gentleman and his wife from the airport.<br />
<br />
"We are here, waiting outside Terminal B," with a detailed description of how Steven was to recognise them.<br />
<br />
They returned an hour and a half later after Steven located them waiting for their meal at Mugg and Bean.<br />
<br />
Their explanation. "We didn't think you'd be here in ten minutes as you said."<br />
<br />
Steven also had to plead with Security not to clamp the car tyres and had to pay a hefty parking fee, which took care of the price for the accommodation.<br />
<br />
This couple onward to Livingstone asked if they could leave one suitcase here,(which turned out to be three) as they would return within four days, and would like to re-book the room.<br />
<br />
His wife, left a review - The owner was a real sweaty.<br />
<br />
Four days later they re-appear via a taxi in a flap.<br />
<br />
"We are here to collect our luggage. Please hurry. The taxi driver has the meter on!"<br />
<br />
Andre calls to be collected from Park Station: "The price is a real bargain. The taxi wanted to charge double that. Could you also take me to the airport to collect my friend?"<br />
<br />
Later: "So sorry, Steve, but my friend has found another place, much cheaper. Could you offer me discount, for collecting me from the station?"<br />
<br />
Last night, Lara, requested a quiet, private room with the lights switched off and a taxi at 4h30.<br />
<br />
"What time is your flight?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"Oh, only at midday. I just wanted to get there early, so that I can read my book."<br />
<br />
Be a real sweaty now, I remind myself.<br />
<br />
"Oh, I forgot to ask you," continues Lara. "I am going to the bush. Please may I take your hairdryer? I will return it when I come back, but I don't know when that will be?"<br />
<br />
"No," I say, "the other guests may need it."<br />
<br />
"Just need the loo." Lara runs off carrying her backpack, which she then flings into the taxi, telling the driver to 'hurry, hurry.'<br />
<br />
I hope there is electricity in the bush, Lara, so you may use my hairdryer.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-79566064182675099902012-06-02T23:09:00.000-07:002013-12-09T06:46:43.548-08:00What Would You Do?As I was re-checking the rooms for late arrivals, tring-tring...<br />
<br />
"Hel...", say I.<br />
<br />
"I have missed my flight."<br />
<br />
"Oh no - who am I speaking to?"<br />
<br />
"Gaskalada Konomipolous. (I think I heard correctly.) And don't you dare take the payment from my credit card! Don't you dare, you hear me!!"<br />
<br />
"Could you please spell your name for me?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"What?"<br />
<br />
"You card has already been debited," I explain. "You have to give at least a days notice. It's all there on your booking form."<br />
<br />
"I am giving a days notice. My booking is for tomorrow."<br />
<br />
"No, it's for tonight - Wednesday, 30th May. I am reading it, right here."<br />
<br />
"I would like to speak to your Manager, right now!"<br />
<br />
"You may speak to me."<br />
<br />
"Do you realise that I am 'phoning from my cell 'phone, here in Memphis? Now, why would I make a booking for tonight, if I am still here in Memphis"<br />
<br />
Yesterday morning, an e-mail.<br />
<br />
I am flying in from the USA next week. I would like to book a dorm bed. I would also like discount as I am bringing in food for the orphans in Swaziland. I do not have much money. I would also like you to contact the bus to Swaziland leaving the following morning, and ask them to pop by at your place so that I can save the fare to the terminal B at OR Tambo.<br />
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I would also like a physical description of the driver. As you can understand I am very nervous about landing at your airport in the middle of Johannesburg. Also, what would it cost me for a taxi driver to bring me to your place at midnight?"<br />
<br />
R100, I mail back.<br />
<br />
That is much too expensive. I have contacted another driver at the airport and he will only charge me R150. Which is not bad considering it is so late at night. For the life of me, I cannot think why I booked this flight so late. <br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-84820819489756050002012-05-25T00:53:00.000-07:002013-12-10T21:21:58.547-08:00Flora and DoraI received a call from two ladies whom I will name, Flora and Dora.<br />
<br />
F: "On your website, we see that you have twin rooms with a shared bathroom."<br />
<br />
D: "Are you sure, sure?"<br />
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F: "Ok, we will book a twin room on condition, that there are no other guests tonight. We do not like backpackers."<br />
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D: "They make too much noise."<br />
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As it so happened, Terrylin had six but Flora and Dora arrived anyway.<br />
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F: "We normally stay in 5* hotels, but I guess this is ok, hey Dora?"<br />
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D: "Do you mind if we use the kitchen to make a cup of decaf? We won't use your coffee."<br />
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F: (bellowing down the passage) "Dora, where is your tin of decaf?"<br />
<br />
As the evening wore on the backpackers appointed a leader to enquire whether I could ask the two ladies, to quieten down as they were making too much noise.<br />
<br />
The following morning, Flora and Dora while sipping their decaf in the front garden, the bleary-eyed backpackers packed their camper van and left.<br />
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A black gentleman guest packed his luggage into his car, and said goodbye to Flora and Dora.<br />
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D: "Are you a taxi driver?"<br />
<br />
F: "No? We thought you were the driver for the backpackers."<br />
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Flora and Dora, then decide to allocate an hour for breakfast.<br />
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D: "Do we absolutely, definitely, have to leave by 10? Sure. Sure."<br />
<br />
F: "Could we have at least, another 15 minutes please? You can clean around us. We won't bother you at all."<br />
<br />
Five minutes later, and more...<br />
<br />
D: "You may clean the breakfast table now."<br />
<br />
F: "Do you have a scale to weigh our luggage?"<br />
<br />
D: "Your wi-fi isn't working."<br />
<br />
F: "I am from Holland, but I flew in on Air France. Do you know why this is?"<br />
<br />
D: "Do you know today's temperature and tomorrow's?"<br />
<br />
F: "Do you have a refuse bag?"<br />
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D: "We are still hungry. We are used to more substantial breakfasts. Could you fry us eggs and bacon?"<br />
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F: "We will also have a last cup of decaf. We can't drink your coffee. We also need the milk boiled."<br />
<br />
D: "Do you polish your floors regularly? I can recommend something."<br />
<br />
F: "Do you have an iron? We are off to a business meeting."<br />
<br />
D: "I nearly forgot. I will be leaving a bag of soil for your garden. It will do it the world of good. We asked for a soil sample in Mozambique and the guy gave us a whole bag."<br />
<br />
As I am opening the gate,<br />
<br />
F: "It is still two hours before our meeting. We are thinking of coming back. Could we have a quick look around?"<br />
<br />
Now, where did I leave my Calmettes?<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4899353745778580943.post-31200606269589735012012-04-15T01:37:00.002-07:002013-12-10T21:25:29.065-08:00Oh, No, Not Again!Over the Easter weekend, the Campbells visited their Italian families, to savour a variety of pasta dishes.<br />
<br />
Pasta with seafood, pasta with chicken, pasta with vegetables, pasta with salads; actually, any pasta you please.<br />
<br />
The last port of call, was Nonna, who deposited a huge bowl of pasta, on the table.<br />
<br />
Blake, throwing up his arms in despair, and covering his eyes, with his hands, said:<br />
<br />
"Oh, no, Nonna, not pasta again!"<br />
<br />
Nonna and Guppy were sitting side-by-side, when Blake threw his arms around us saying, very solemnly:<br />
<br />
"I love you both two times."<br />
<br />
Every pre-school morning there is a chorus of: "Bye-bye sweetheart." "I'll see you later." "Love you lots", and the little uns hug and kiss their parents, before hopping and skipping, to their classrooms.<br />
<br />
Blake: "Bye, bye, Mommy, see you later..."<br />
<br />
Misty: "I want to walk, with you, to your classroom."<br />
<br />
Blake: "Oh, No, Mommy! Not Again!!"<br />
<br />
That same afternoon, Misty arrived, and the new teacher, wearily, exclaimed:<br />
<br />
"Thank goodness! Saved by the bell!!"<br />
<br />
There stood Blake with his buddy in the corner, pointing at each other, and rubbing their bottoms.<br />
<br />
Misty: "What happened, Blake?"<br />
<br />
Blake: "I won't talk about it."<br />
<br />
At home, Blake: "Mommy, if I am naughty, you must smack me on my bottom, OK."<br />
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Misty: "No, I won't smack you. You must smack your own bottom."<br />
<br />
Blake, ponders this, bends over, lifts his arm, and....<br />
<br />
Smack. Smack. Smack.<br />
<br />
Blake: "Oh, No, Not Again..."<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0