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Saturday, October 12, 2013

For A Laugh

It says on your website, that you have baths and showers. Do you have toilets?

I will be back in a month. Can I take the bedroom key with me?

I left my 'phone in the taxi. Can I use yours to plan my trip around Europe?

Why won't your callbox take 10 cents? I've been trying all morning.

Why are there so many black people in Africa?

Can you change the plug on your electric blanket to my American one?

So, this is the Joh'burg thunderstorm. Can I hang my washing outside to dry?

Is the airport still in the same place this morning as it was last night.

I have ordered a taxi. Could you give me a detailed description of the driver, so I can recognise him when he arrives?

Can I book tonight on condition that there are no other guests.

I am from Ireland. I flew in on KLM. Do you know why this is?

I am off to Morocco next week. Do you know if it will rain there?

Fifa World Cup - If England is not in the Final, can I have my money back?

I opened your yoghurt, and it flew asunder, over my face.

Help me. I book a tour today, for tomorrow, to go yesterday.

I left the shower panel under the bed for safe-keeping.

You really should have a plug point in your garden.

Am I in Australia?

"Please make my juice colder, says Sven.

"I will fetch some ice," I say.

"Aas, not nice," replies Sven. "Oh, ice. Aah, that is better. Good."

A Knife in Johannesburgo

Some overseas travellers are concerned about crime. But, sometimes I wonder if I should be afraid of them?


Ho arrived with the thickest Croxley file I have ever seen, with more documents than Interpol.

"Is it safe to walk to the supermarket alone? I cannot find this on my Google map, so I assume it's not safe. You will have to come with, so I can use you as a shield."


I received a booking with this message - Do not debit card. It is stolen. I am a lawer. travel agent not have credit card facilyties - Tell me cost in doolars and punds, and for flite and tour. Send me your bank numbers now. So I pay u. U receive a large commission for ur trubles.

My name is Suntobe A Jailburd.


Two ladies, not sure though, arrived attired in army fatigues. "We are not afraid, mind you, we have a knife for Johannesburgo, if anyone tries to steal our things." Future Exhibit A is exposed. Even Crocodile Dundee would have been impressed. "If we travel through Africa by bus, will we be safe? "We've already paid."

"If we are in Algeria, say, and we are not safe, can we call you? There is a war going on there, you know. Also, in the Congo. Here is our itinerary."


"I hate using my Visa Card here. I am always double debited. If you do the same, I will use the full force of the law, and throw you in jail. In Israel, I spent two effing years in jail because of my effing Visa Card. Mind you, I love Africa. Come here every three years. Please escort me to the ATM. Not safe to walk."

After three attempts, and much effing, the ATM swallows the card.

"I told you, didn't I! South Africans steal your money."

"Do you have the number for lost/stolen cards?" I ask.

"I did, but someone must have stolen it."


"South Africa is a criminal haven. I need you to protect me." Lil followed me. Everywhere. Even to the bathroom. "I need a room with a key that works. I don't want to mingle with the other guests, just to be safe."


An e-mail. I want to book into your hostile for a week. I won't leave my room. Johannesburgo is not safe. My friend will cum during that time. I have a parcel for him. Don't ask what it is! Will it be safe, if I post it to you? Thank you, Sweaty.


Boetie, was shooting tin cans with an unlicensed pellet gun, a regular occurrence.

"Call the cops! Call the cops!!" Maeve, nearly knocking me off my feet.

I swear that if a backpacker let rip under the bedcovers, someone would shout:

"Call the cops! I heard a gunshot."

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I Have a Question?

You may have read/heard some of the questions from Travellers to South Africa, such as: "This plane is very stuffy. Please open the windows," or "Are the lions allowed to use your zebra crossings, or will the zebras get upset?" And, I thought all South African's were black until Charlize won the Oscar."

As a backpackers' hostel owner, I would like to share the following:

It took me 7 minutes to get here from the airport. How long will it take me to get back?

If I use the Go-train (Gautrain) will I get discount because I am French?

What do the lions eat in the Kruger Park? And, why do they lie down?

Please will you buy my Lonely Planet Guide and give it to someone else?

Is it better to change dollars at O R Tambo or in Guam?

If Steven is from Zimbabwe why isn't he Black?

I already paid for the other place. They were closed. Can I stay here for free?

So, your father met the Queen. Was that Victoria?

Why is the taxi on time? I need to eat and shower first.

Why do I have to pay for 'phone calls here in South Africa? In Canada they are free.

Your taxi drivers sure shout a lot. Are they American?

How can you mix Chinese and Jap's in your dorm? They have stolen our land.

I would like to book for a month on condition that I can use your car free of charge.

Although I help myself to other people's food, is it fair that they help themselves to mine?

Have you ever tasted biltong or braaied meat?

Do you have a live-in doctor on call for 24 hours?

Is the time different here than in Ohio?

I am very small and will only sleep in half the bed? Can I have discount? I only have R50 for three days and still need to eat.

Why didn't you fetch me from the airport? I didn't know which day I would be arriving, but I thought you'd be there anyway.

A 'phone call: "Have you debited my account?"

Me: "Who am I speaking to?"

"Thank you."