What's My Name Again?

While I was sleeping, Steven booked in Anthony and the next morning, I checked the register.

When I trill: "Good Morning (insert name here), I hope you slept well etc", the guests are rather thrilled.

This did not happen with Anthony.

"Good Morning, Anthony," I say.

"My name is Mark," he replies.

"I apologise, but you signed in as Anthony," I continue.

"But, I told you my name is Timothy."

I hope the FBI isn't on his tail.

Late the following night, three arrivals for the dorm, which already had three, including Mark Timothy Anthony.

They insisted that according to my website, each bed cost R25 each and not R150 each. They left in a huff threatening to contact the Tourism Board.

The following night, two German gentlemen arrived, who could not speak a word of English.

Not. A. Word.

They sat on either side of me on the couch, and opened a bag of coins.

"Phula, Dollar, Pound," they repeated, and repeated again, in unison.

I nodded my head nervously, wondering what they were on about.

I finally clicked, that they were re-iterating all the places they had visited.

I have a bottle of stray coins and a board of notes but I've hardly been anywhere.

But, I wasn't about to tell them that.

As Casual as You Please

I read an article in National Geographic Traveller - The Bus Stops Here.

City Tour Busses run on a tight schedule. The Bus leaves from Here, at 9.05 or 9.45. Please note the minutes.

Of course there will always be those tourists, cool and casual as you please who stroll up late, nary a cary, oblivious to the jeerings of the other passengers, who have been waiting for up to twenty minutes.

It happens here as well.

A group of six, who asked me to arrange the Johannesburg and Soweto Tour and couldn't contain their excitement, spent the next 25 minutes back and forth to the bedrooms and bathrooms.

They had been scurrying around for the previous two hours, asking me in turn, whether the bus would be on time.

Benjamin, not part of the group, asked me to book a taxi for him the previous night, as he was 'always late for his flights', and the 'stress was getting to him'.

The Tour bus arrived and then that taxi whose driver parked behind the bus.

The tourists were now ready to leave. But, where was Benjamin?

And, there he was sitting at the pool reading a Roald Dahl short story.

"Please ask the driver to wait. This story is so riveting. I cannot put it down."

"And, could I use the wi-fi? I need to make sure-sure of my flight."

Do Lonely Women Ask for It?

*Sarie du Plessis checked-in and wanted to pay: "Immediately, so that nothing would go wrong."

Her husband, Eddie Winfrey, was returning from the UK, after six months, but she would be returning home, after he had settled in.

"Please make sure that everything is perfect. I will bring platters of snacks and cakes, this afternoon."

Sarie arrived later with her blind poodle - "He won't be a problem, I promise."

"Please confirm the flight arrival times," which changed from Reunion to KLM. "These are night arrivals," I told her, "so there is still plenty of time."

"I think it would be best if I left now, as I am not sure if I will recognise him."

"I'll open the.." I said, looking for the remote, and there was a loud bang! Sarie had reversed into the unopened gate.

Steven managed to open it, while Sarie burst into tears, panic stricken.

At midnight, Sarie returned solo. Eddie did not arrive. "Another man 'phoned me and said that Eddie was on his way to the airport but had a dreadful car accident. He is in a coma, and he needed more money from me to pay his hospital bills. But, I don't have any more money. I have sent him my whole pension. All I have left is my small house."

"Your whole pension?"

"He told me that he did not have enough money saved for the plane ticket, and couldn't wait any longer to meet me. He had helped another woman who had, had her money stolen by a scammer, and I was to be very careful of these men. He also had to pay his late wife's funeral expenses, and brother's brain operation. He sounded so kind and also sent me a lovely bouquet of twelve roses, saying that each rose was for each month he have fallen more in love with me."

"Where did you meet him?"

"On Facebook. I was so lonely."

"I watched Carte Blanche and read an article in People, that there are sociopaths out there, but Eddie was so charming and convincing, and had a wonderful sense of humour. Unlike any man I had ever met. "He told me that he had never loved a woman the way he loved me and wanted to marry me."

"I really believed him, and transferred all I had into his account. Eddie said he was a 'man of means' but was having a problem accessing his money from a bank in Switzerland, as they only allowed him to make one annual withdrawal, which was in 90 days time, as it was such a large amount. I really believed him."

"Eddie said he would send a friend to my home with a large suitcase of money to buy a nicer house, and new car and I was to start preparing for the wedding of my dreams."

"Thinking about it, I'm sure I could have met a nice man at Church or a Social Club. Also, at the airport, there was a group of other ladies, wandering about, holding papers with his name. Then they started arguing, so I left."

I'll never forget how shattered Sarie was, and Steven suggested I call her to join us on Christmas day, but she said she did not want to speak to me.

Pillow Talk

On a visit to the Campbells, Misty completing an assignment had a blonde moment with GPS co-ordinates:

"Where do I find Gauteng on the map?"

Aimee doubles up with laughter.

Blake with pointed forefinger: "Emmie! I see you! Don't be naughty!"

You don't mess with his mommy.

I then gave Blake, a Buzz and Woody colouring-in book and puzzle.

And he disappeared.

We leapt off the couches running and yelling until Nick shouted:

"It's okay. I found him!"

There was Blake, hidden inbetween the pillows, colouring-in and giggling.

We settled down again and then it was time for more sports, which went like this.

Blake piled up the pillows on the couches next to Nick and waited in the doorway.

After a few seconds Blake felt a thump on the back of his head.

"Stop, Daddy, Stop!"

Nick stops.

"More, Daddy, More!"

That night during a thunderstorm, Misty felt a presence in the bedroom.

Blake was squeezed in between the bed and side cupboard.

"Psst, Mommy, Boom-Boom!"

Blake snuggled in, and in the morning as Nick sat on the side of the bed rubbing his eyes, a pillow was hurled at his head.

Where You Here?

Terrylin, was inundated with guests this past weekend attending a Health Seminar at Emporer's Palace.

As each one entered, there was thunderous applause with whistling, back-slapping and clapping. But, there was still time for questions...

1. Three young men after a week at the Kruger.

"We have so many questions that weren't answered to our satisfaction. What do lions eat? And, why do they sit down? And, why, when we wanted to go back to the camp, others wanted to stay?"

2. "I booked a dorm bed. Why do I have to share the room with others? You didn't tell me that you had other bookings!"

3. "Come and sit outside with me while I smoke. Do you look after your health? We only have one body, you know."

4. "You have to drink this herbal tea. It takes away headaches and stress. You look as though you need it.""

5. "The fridge is filled with everyone else's alcohol. Where can I put mine?"

6. "Why didn't you fetch me from the airport? I e-mailed that I might need a transfer but I wasn't sure. I also didn't know what time I would be landing, but I thought, you would be there anyway."

7. "I am a born-again Christian. What about you? I noticed your bookcase needs more books from CUM. Take mine. I can always get more."

8. "I have been taking these products for 5 years. (Clap-clap. Back-Slap) Let me show you my file. See all the weight I've lost. I am 63, and the fittest bugger on the planet."

9. "I met a few mates at Emporer's. They say it is so expensive. Could you find some extra beds, so they can sleep here? It is only for one night."

10. "I assumed that because there are so many of us you would fry us eggs for breakfast. White bread once it is injested, alters from starch to sugar."

11. "Don't fret yourself. If you want white bread, I brought plenty along."

12. "Your domestic has arrived. Do you know that you have to pay her double because it's Sunday?"

13. "Did you receive my towel? I had it posted from a hostel in Cape Town? This is very important to me. It travels with me, wherever I go, but I keep on leaving it behind.

And, this morning, there it was...

'Phone rings. Number 8.

"I seem to have misplaced my file. Do you see it? Or do you think someone has taken it?"

Just Looking

Before, I could say, please sign in, Noel and Simon, threw down their backpacks and darted, one this way (kitchen) and the other that way (dining area)and flung open the fridge doors!

Usually guests dart to the bathroom. Understandable.

Steven, went one way: "What are your looking for?"

I, the other: "Are you OK? May I get you anything?"

Their replies: "Leftovers? You know, anything other guests have left behind!"

Later Noel enters the lounge and begins moving the furniture about.

Refer, questions above. Noel is looking for a plug-point.

"There is one in the bedroom," says Steven.

"I can't use that one," continues Noel. "Simon is in there eating."

Seated at the breakfast table, which I assumed they had been waiting for since the wee hours, Noel says:

"Oh, hi, we were talking about you last night."

"Really? Nice things, I hope? Is there any room for improvement?" I say and walk away.

In walks Inga, tall, blonde, beautiful, but all ashudder, and here is her story:

"I am so sorry. I was at another hostel last night. We had a big party. Everyone was drunk. I can't remember much. Anyway, when I woke up this morning, the owner I think it was, was in my bed fiddling about."

And, Inga tottered down the passage in her 'f**k me heels.

Noel and Simon with their mouths full ran to reception.

"Can we book another night?"

I was asked: "Do you have any monkeys around here?"

"No, only some of the guests."

I'm kidding. No, really. I am.

Blake All A Buzz

Blake is now obsessed with Buzz Lightyear and before bedtime he watches Toy Story.

E-v-e-r-y night.

He then leaps about swinging a light-sabre which narrowly misses the TV, yelling:

"To Infinity and Beyond."

Last Saturday Nick and Misty treated Blake at ToysRus. There he selected a cap, Buzz, and a gift inside a chocolate egg.

And, there was Woody.

Blake's mouth formed a perfect O. He clenched his fist around Woody, and refused to let go.

Off to Putt-Putt, what a day, and every time Blake hit the ball, he bellowed:

"To Infinity and Beyond."

When the ball went into the hole Blake punched the air and dislodged Woody.

"Now, the balls gone! And Woody!", he cried.

Back home Blake misplaced Woody, the size of his pinky finger, again.

Tossing out his toyboxes, and slapping his hands on his head, Blake explained the tragic situation:

"No, Mommy, no. Buzz is crying!"

When Blake found Woody he squashed their heads together making kissing sounds.

Misty switched on the TV. There was - Monsters Inc.

"No, Mommy, no!!! Now you made Buzz cry. And Woody. And Meeeeee!!!"