An Extra Inch

Here are a series of events that have occurred over the past five years. Not for the faint-hearted.

Beauty e-mails from Botswana - I need a nice room. I want to have sex. Can you arrange this? He must be a white man.

Now, as I don't need any more nonsense, I don't reply. But, maybe I should have.

Beauty arrives and sees Steven sitting innocently on the sofa.

"Thank you. Thank you," gushes Beauty, hugging me.

Smiling at Steven, Beauty trills: "Don't go anywhere. I won't be long. I just need to freshen up."

"Now, what is this all about?" asks Steven. After this is all sorted, he seriously insists that I warn him of all such situations in advance, while Beauty and I fall about laughing.

A 'phone call: "Do you have a room for lovers? Do you have mirrors? And, do you supply towels and lotion? Must be Nivea for Men."

Byron, I knew it was you putting on an accent, and so I replied:

"Towels and mirrors yes, Nivea no, but I do have an over-supply of Clover Dairy Whipped and KY Gel."

Trudy: "I have been really upset since I left the airport in France. They made me leave my guava behind. I am missing it so. Do you perhaps have an extra one for me? Also, for breakfast do you have any eggs? I'll pay extra.

Not at my age, my dear.

*Anton and *Crystal, who is covering her face with a scarf, reluctantly sign the register.

Crystal: "This is Anton, MY HUSBAND, and I am Crystal, HIS WIFE.

Like hell you are, but why should I care?

Rob, aka G I Joe, a boot camp instructor, strutted about shirtless, and flexed his muscles whenever anyone passed him by.

Lucy, from London, who like Rob, booked a dorm bed, arrived later.

"I am so super-excited, and so nervous. I am flying to Cape Town tomorrow to see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him in six months. And, I'm going to meet his folks to see if I am suitable. Very wealthy they are. From Constantia. He asked me to marry him. I said yes." (Squeal)

Moments later: "There appears to be a half naked man sleeping in one of the beds. (What. What.) Not that I mind though. Honest to God. Just thought I'd let you know."

If Lucy appeared flushed on her arrival, she resembled an overripe tomato the following morning.

G I Joe emerged later and insisted on a blow and blow account of their antics.

".... And, then I lifted her up with one arm."

Steven: "Who just left?"

"Lucy and Charles Atlas," I replied.

Trevor 'phones: "I tried to book a suite at the InterContinental, but they are full. I am with two ladies. Twins. Tomorrow is their birthday. I need a huge favour. Can you arrange a breakfast, with all the bells and whistles? Cards, cloths, roses in vases on silver trays. Don't want you to go to too much trouble, though. I will carry the tray through, so as not to cause you extra work.

"Well, um..." I say.

"They'd do that at the InterContinental, and um, you see, they are a lot younger than me and I really want to satisfy them."

Steven: "Who was that?"

"Hugh Hefner, or maybe Byron," I reply.

Steven, ever the comedian, and who has a solution to every problem:

"Why don't you call back and tell him to just give them an extra inch?"

For A Laugh

It says on your website, that you have baths and showers. Do you have toilets?

I will be back in a month. Can I take the bedroom key with me?

I left my 'phone in the taxi. Can I use yours to plan my trip around Europe?

Why won't your callbox take 10 cents? I've been trying all morning.

Why are there so many black people in Africa?

Can you change the plug on your electric blanket to my American one?

So, this is the Joh'burg thunderstorm. Can I hang my washing outside to dry?

Is the airport still in the same place this morning as it was last night.

I have ordered a taxi. Could you give me a detailed description of the driver, so I can recognise him when he arrives?

Can I book tonight on condition that there are no other guests.

I am from Ireland. I flew in on KLM. Do you know why this is?

I am off to Morocco next week. Do you know if it will rain there?

Fifa World Cup - If England is not in the Final, can I have my money back?

I opened your yoghurt, and it flew asunder, over my face.

Help me. I book a tour today, for tomorrow, to go yesterday.

I left the shower panel under the bed for safe-keeping.

You really should have a plug point in your garden.

Am I in Australia?

"Please make my juice colder, says Sven.

"I will fetch some ice," I say.

"Aas, not nice," replies Sven. "Oh, ice. Aah, that is better. Good."

A Knife in Johannesburgo

Some overseas travellers are concerned about crime. But, sometimes I wonder if I should be afraid of them?

FROM CHINA

Ho arrived with the thickest Croxley file I have ever seen, with more documents than Interpol.

"Is it safe to walk to the supermarket alone? I cannot find this on my Google map, so I assume it's not safe. You will have to come with, so I can use you as a shield."

FROM I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE

I received a booking with this message - Do not debit card. It is stolen. I am a lawer. travel agent not have credit card facilyties - Tell me cost in doolars and punds, and for flite and tour. Send me your bank numbers now. So I pay u. U receive a large commission for ur trubles.

My name is Suntobe A Jailburd.

FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA

Two ladies, not sure though, arrived attired in army fatigues. "We are not afraid, mind you, we have a knife for Johannesburgo, if anyone tries to steal our things." Future Exhibit A is exposed. Even Crocodile Dundee would have been impressed. "If we travel through Africa by bus, will we be safe? "We've already paid."

"If we are in Algeria, say, and we are not safe, can we call you? There is a war going on there, you know. Also, in the Congo. Here is our itinerary."

FROM TEXAS

"I hate using my Visa Card here. I am always double debited. If you do the same, I will use the full force of the law, and throw you in jail. In Israel, I spent two effing years in jail because of my effing Visa Card. Mind you, I love Africa. Come here every three years. Please escort me to the ATM. Not safe to walk."

After three attempts, and much effing, the ATM swallows the card.

"I told you, didn't I! South Africans steal your money."

"Do you have the number for lost/stolen cards?" I ask.

"I did, but someone must have stolen it."

FROM SUDAN

"South Africa is a criminal haven. I need you to protect me." Lil followed me. Everywhere. Even to the bathroom. "I need a room with a key that works. I don't want to mingle with the other guests, just to be safe."

FROM COLUMBIA

An e-mail. I want to book into your hostile for a week. I won't leave my room. Johannesburgo is not safe. My friend will cum during that time. I have a parcel for him. Don't ask what it is! Will it be safe, if I post it to you? Thank you, Sweaty.

FROM IRELAND AND NEXT DOOR

Boetie, was shooting tin cans with an unlicensed pellet gun, a regular occurrence.

"Call the cops! Call the cops!!" Maeve, nearly knocking me off my feet.

I swear that if a backpacker let rip under the bedcovers, someone would shout:

"Call the cops! I heard a gunshot."

I Have a Question?

You may have read/heard some of the questions from Travellers to South Africa, such as: "This plane is very stuffy. Please open the windows," or "Are the lions allowed to use your zebra crossings, or will the zebras get upset?" And, I thought all South African's were black until Charlize won the Oscar."

As a backpackers' hostel owner, I would like to share the following:

It took me 7 minutes to get here from the airport. How long will it take me to get back?

If I use the Go-train (Gautrain) will I get discount because I am French?

What do the lions eat in the Kruger Park? And, why do they lie down?

Please will you buy my Lonely Planet Guide and give it to someone else?

Is it better to change dollars at O R Tambo or in Guam?

If Steven is from Zimbabwe why isn't he Black?

I already paid for the other place. They were closed. Can I stay here for free?

So, your father met the Queen. Was that Victoria?

Why is the taxi on time? I need to eat and shower first.

Why do I have to pay for 'phone calls here in South Africa? In Canada they are free.

Your taxi drivers sure shout a lot. Are they American?

How can you mix Chinese and Jap's in your dorm? They have stolen our land.

I would like to book for a month on condition that I can use your car free of charge.

Although I help myself to other people's food, is it fair that they help themselves to mine?

Have you ever tasted biltong or braaied meat?

Do you have a live-in doctor on call for 24 hours?

Is the time different here than in Ohio?

I am very small and will only sleep in half the bed? Can I have discount? I only have R50 for three days and still need to eat.

Why didn't you fetch me from the airport? I didn't know which day I would be arriving, but I thought you'd be there anyway.

A 'phone call: "Have you debited my account?"

Me: "Who am I speaking to?"

"Thank you."

The Go-Train

The Gautrain is a bonus for travellers wanting to explore Johannesburgo and Pretoria, easily, quickly and cheaply. But, there are those who have roamed around the world, on every type of transport, 'Daddy was an Ambassador', yet find it difficult to hop onto the bus to take them there.

This is the conversation with R and A, who interpreted and argued for nearly an hour, during which time six busses had arrived and departed.

R: "We go out. What is the name of the train?"

Me: "The Gautrain." I hand over the brochure.

A: "Oh, the Go-train."

R: "How do we get to the station?"

Me: "A bus arrives every 10 minutes. Stops on the corner. There is one now."

A: "What is the name of the bus? And the number?"

Me: "The Go-train bus. Look, there she goes."

A: "Is the bus stop on the right or left of the road?"

R: "Tell the driver to stop in front of your gate."

A: "How much will it cost? They take the dollars or the euro's, no?"

Me: "No, only cards. 40 rands each, to catch the bus to the Rhodesfield train station, and then to Sandton."

R: (Eyes bulge) "80 rands!! Why we pay you and again on the bus? You have cards? You earn commission? We share a card. We are French couple."

A: "Where is road and field? We go to Sandton."

A: "How long to Sandton? How long to walk to corner?"

A: "Tell us one more time."

And, then there was O.

"Lend me your 'phone to call my mate in Pretoria. He said I must catch the Go-train. Calls on my mobile are very expensive. I will be quick."

"Hi M," and off O goes - flight turbulence, airport conditions, the hostel, and his cash flow problems. "M, where is the station in Rhodesfield? And, the one in Pretoria? How will I get there? What is the price? How long will it take? Is it clean? Is it safe?"

Finally, "Call M when I leave and tell him I am safe. And, tell him it will take me fifteen minutes to get there, like you said. The bugger had better be waiting. I cannot pay for the card. I am skint."

Later, K and B arrive: "We caught the train from Park Station. And, the bus here. Easy-peasy. So convenient. And, we heard that they are extending the line to Durban. Absolutely bluddy marvellous."

And, so were they.

Keys Me Quick

Some travellers perceive Saffers as a thieving lot, and Terrylin had a problem with the keys.

Mom and Dad, waiting outside for collection, felt they needed to check their luggage.

All. The. Time.

"Geoffrey, ask Joy for the key, and see if our things are still ok."

"Sabrina, ask Joy for the key, and check if everything is still there."

Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Slam. Bang.

Also, worthy of a mention, were the bathroom doors. The keys were twisted, left and right, up and down, back and forth, in and out, falling on the floor, until we were driven batty.

So, Steven replaced the handles with the vacant/engaged gadgets, and made the following discoveries:

1. A tampon, in one handle. To discourage the Peeping Toms?

2. A pound coin, in the other. One thought one had to pay. What. What.

On a roll, Steven also replaced the sign on the front wall, with a light inside. So powerful, one can read Terrylin for Travellers - Budget Accommodation - from the airport.

But, of course, a couple, had to ring the bell:

"Is Terrylin for Travellers, also Terrylin Backpackers? Are we at the right place? We are going out again, and need a key for the front gate."

Japie, an Afrikaner, was asked to set the light switch - on, from 6:30 pm and off, at 11:30pm, but, what with the half ses and six thirty, ditto, 11:30, spent days here trying to sort out the problem.

I ran ragged, back and forth, with the keys.

Another time, Terrylin was full and on their departure, I discovered EVERY door key missing.

Saysa: "I will be back in three days time, so can I take the key with me?"

Connecting with Friends and Family

"Do you have a code for the wee-fee?" ask many as they enter the front door.

Indeed we do and this is free, for up to an hour.

You may 'phone your mom, to say that you are safe, and update your 200 friends on Facebook.

There is also a call box and World Call cards for purchase. No, I do not earn a commission.

I don't know how much it will cost you. Where are you 'phoning? How long will you speak?

"I dunno. A minute, maybe."

Card inserted. Number dialled.

"Yo, mon, it's yo bitch. Whadya mean, which one?"

Next call from the queue.

"Hi Mom. Yes, I'm safe. Where's dad? Please put him on."

Minutes later.

"Oh, hi, Dad. Yes, I am safe. I'm here in Joh'burg, remember. Where's Sal?"

More minutes later.

"In the bathroom? OK. Tell her I say hi. Is Jeremy there? Don't worry, I'll hold.

Even more minutes.

"When, he gets back, tell him I say hi. Is that Rover barking in the background?
Please put him on."

"Hello, Rove, how are you, my big boy? I miss you loads. Woof Woof."

"Oh, hello Sal, what were you doing? That's disgusting!"

"Hello, Helloo, Hellooo."

I am given the evil eye: "Phone calls here are so expensive. I only spoke for a minute."

Aah Tishoo

Steven hates Winter. Full Stop.

"Why is it so cold?" he'll moan, on a mild Fall day. "Don't you ever get cold?"

The Afrikaner's say it best - "Fock, dis Koud!" and, "In die Vrystaat, nou dra die manne twee kortbroeke."

And, then it snowed.

I had a call, from someone, still not sure who:

"It's snowing in Sandton." Here, too, in Rhodesfield.

Steven has had enough, and hurtles to Builders Warehouse, and returns, followed by a delivery truck.

Two gentlemen, amid much cussing, erect the largest gas heater I have ever seen, in the sitting room.

It touches the ceiling.

This is an outdoor heater, designed for the daft, who braai in the snow.

(A barbeque in South Africa is a flavour of chips.)

All set up, Steven turns on the heater, and within seconds Terrylin is the devils den.

"Please return that," I beg Steven. "I feel as though I am going through the Change."

Of course, Steven nearly takes the chair with him, as he falls out of it laughing.

Mike and Penny arrived, with Penny having a sneezing fit. All over the guest register, as well.

Penny : "Aah Tishoo!"

Mike : "Bless You."

Penny : "Thank You. Aah Tishoo!"

Penny went to the bathroom, and sneezed three times in succession.

Mike, very concerned, knocked on the door.

"Is that you, Pen?"

Wooden Eye

A couple arrived late last night, and settled into the double room, which has an en-suite shower.

They appeared to be satisfied: "This is all we need."

I decided on some 'shut-eye.'

"Hello, hello," I hear, in the distance.

"So, sorry, to wake you up. But, we would prefer to bath."

After having perused the premises, that cannot find one of the three available.

Back to sleep at 2am, after being asked for a 9am wake-up call.

"Hello, hello,"

It is now 5.15.

"Could we Skype and iron a shirt? Where do we do this?"

I thought this had been discussed at 2am.

Back to sleep at 6am. Bad move, as I need to be polite and perky at 7am.

But, even if I could locate matchsticks, these would not keep my eyes open.

Around 7.30, Tim leaves. He calls at 8.

"I left my 'phone behind. I am on my way. Please don't bath or anything. I'll be there now-now."

Around 9am, Tim arrives: "I see you are still in your pyjama."

Also at 9am, I knock on the double room door. No answer. I tap on the window. Still, no answer.

Finally.

"Please wake us up at 10am. We have arranged to be collected at 11. And, please open the gate to let us out."

Now, why wooden I?"

BnB = But No Breakfast

Alas, Terrylin no longer serves a light breakfast.

No, this is not due to the recession and rising costs.

There a small dining area, which can seat six guests at a time, and breakfast was served from 7am.

Up at 6h30, I laid out the trays, with coffee, tea, sugar, yoghurt, fruit, cereal, bread, juice and jams.

While in progress, people would fly out of their beds, from said 6h30 with a "What time is breakfast served?", and pull out a chair, while I work around them.

They then, cosy up, with maps, and tablets, giving me a major headache, to discuss their further journeys, for up to an hour.

I politely asked, a harassed father with two toddlers, if I could clear the table, and he wrote a rotten review, 'the other guests had to wait patiently!'

Then, there was a Scotsman with a lassie, who insisted the taxi wait for her, as she was busy, with her breakfast.

Scott, cottoned on, with a: "Oh, I see why you want me to move. Other people would like to have breakfast."

As the breakfast was included in the rate, therein lay the problem.

"I am leaving before 7 am. Could I have an early breakfast?" - "Could I have breakfast tonight?" -"Could I exchange breakfast as a takeaway?" - "Could you add cheese?" - "Could you fry me eggs and bacon, as a favour?"

So, I got down to business and had breakfast deleted from my website, and all other booking sites. All went well, until...

On one site, I sent two requests.

1.) Please delete the 'breakfast included', FROM all the room types.

2.) Please delete, from the Information Page -'breakfast is served from 7am.'

Confused Candy, e-mailed me to confirm that she had altered the breakfast to a full English and deleted all the room types.

Then There are Those

When Terrylin opened its doors Steven and I were rather ignorant about certain folk.

During a 'phone call, it was arranged that Steven would collect a gentleman and his wife from the airport.

"We are here, waiting outside Terminal B," with a detailed description of how Steven was to recognise them.

They returned an hour and a half later after Steven located them waiting for their meal at Mugg and Bean.

Their explanation. "We didn't think you'd be here in ten minutes as you said."

Steven also had to plead with Security not to clamp the car tyres and had to pay a hefty parking fee, which took care of the price for the accommodation.

This couple onward to Livingstone asked if they could leave one suitcase here,(which turned out to be three) as they would return within four days, and would like to re-book the room.

His wife, left a review - The owner was a real sweaty.

Four days later they re-appear via a taxi in a flap.

"We are here to collect our luggage. Please hurry. The taxi driver has the meter on!"

Andre calls to be collected from Park Station: "The price is a real bargain. The taxi wanted to charge double that. Could you also take me to the airport to collect my friend?"

Later: "So sorry, Steve, but my friend has found another place, much cheaper. Could you offer me discount, for collecting me from the station?"

Last night, Lara, requested a quiet, private room with the lights switched off and a taxi at 4h30.

"What time is your flight?" I ask.

"Oh, only at midday. I just wanted to get there early, so that I can read my book."

Be a real sweaty now, I remind myself.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you," continues Lara. "I am going to the bush. Please may I take your hairdryer? I will return it when I come back, but I don't know when that will be?"

"No," I say, "the other guests may need it."

"Just need the loo." Lara runs off carrying her backpack, which she then flings into the taxi, telling the driver to 'hurry, hurry.'

I hope there is electricity in the bush, Lara, so you may use my hairdryer.

What Would You Do?

As I was re-checking the rooms for late arrivals, tring-tring...

"Hel...", say I.

"I have missed my flight."

"Oh no - who am I speaking to?"

"Gaskalada Konomipolous. (I think I heard correctly.) And don't you dare take the payment from my credit card! Don't you dare, you hear me!!"

"Could you please spell your name for me?" I asked.

"What?"

"You card has already been debited," I explain. "You have to give at least a days notice. It's all there on your booking form."

"I am giving a days notice. My booking is for tomorrow."

"No, it's for tonight - Wednesday, 30th May. I am reading it, right here."

"I would like to speak to your Manager, right now!"

"You may speak to me."

"Do you realise that I am 'phoning from my cell 'phone, here in Memphis? Now, why would I make a booking for tonight, if I am still here in Memphis"

Yesterday morning, an e-mail.

I am flying in from the USA next week. I would like to book a dorm bed. I would also like discount as I am bringing in food for the orphans in Swaziland. I do not have much money. I would also like you to contact the bus to Swaziland leaving the following morning, and ask them to pop by at your place so that I can save the fare to the terminal B at OR Tambo.

I would also like a physical description of the driver. As you can understand I am very nervous about landing at your airport in the middle of Johannesburg. Also, what would it cost me for a taxi driver to bring me to your place at midnight?"

R100, I mail back.

That is much too expensive. I have contacted another driver at the airport and he will only charge me R150. Which is not bad considering it is so late at night. For the life of me, I cannot think why I booked this flight so late.

Flora and Dora

I received a call from two ladies whom I will name, Flora and Dora.

F: "On your website, we see that you have twin rooms with a shared bathroom."

D: "Are you sure, sure?"

F: "Ok, we will book a twin room on condition, that there are no other guests tonight. We do not like backpackers."

D: "They make too much noise."

As it so happened, Terrylin had six but Flora and Dora arrived anyway.

F: "We normally stay in 5* hotels, but I guess this is ok, hey Dora?"

D: "Do you mind if we use the kitchen to make a cup of decaf? We won't use your coffee."

F: (bellowing down the passage) "Dora, where is your tin of decaf?"

As the evening wore on the backpackers appointed a leader to enquire whether I could ask the two ladies, to quieten down as they were making too much noise.

The following morning, Flora and Dora while sipping their decaf in the front garden, the bleary-eyed backpackers packed their camper van and left.

A black gentleman guest packed his luggage into his car, and said goodbye to Flora and Dora.

D: "Are you a taxi driver?"

F: "No? We thought you were the driver for the backpackers."

Flora and Dora, then decide to allocate an hour for breakfast.

D: "Do we absolutely, definitely, have to leave by 10? Sure. Sure."

F: "Could we have at least, another 15 minutes please? You can clean around us. We won't bother you at all."

Five minutes later, and more...

D: "You may clean the breakfast table now."

F: "Do you have a scale to weigh our luggage?"

D: "Your wi-fi isn't working."

F: "I am from Holland, but I flew in on Air France. Do you know why this is?"

D: "Do you know today's temperature and tomorrow's?"

F: "Do you have a refuse bag?"

D: "We are still hungry. We are used to more substantial breakfasts. Could you fry us eggs and bacon?"

F: "We will also have a last cup of decaf. We can't drink your coffee. We also need the milk boiled."

D: "Do you polish your floors regularly? I can recommend something."

F: "Do you have an iron? We are off to a business meeting."

D: "I nearly forgot. I will be leaving a bag of soil for your garden. It will do it the world of good. We asked for a soil sample in Mozambique and the guy gave us a whole bag."

As I am opening the gate,

F: "It is still two hours before our meeting. We are thinking of coming back. Could we have a quick look around?"

Now, where did I leave my Calmettes?

Are You Obsessed?

Have you ever cornered someone and rambled on about the topic of your obsession?

Are you unaware that their eyes are glazing over while staring into the distance.

If (s)he manage to make a getaway, do you follow them or then target the next unsuspecting individual?

My guests exhausted after an 18 hour flight and studying the pizza menu were subjected to Ralf as soon as he made his entrance.

His passion was Saving the Rhino.

While some people couldn't care less, most of us are sickened by the torture ignorant and greedy savages inflict on the rhinos which are being hunted to extinction.

While we admire the dedication and determination to stop this barbarism, Ralf's obsession drove my hapless guests batty.

As they were from Asia and had difficulty communicating in English, Ralf's questions and comments left them bored and bewildered.

"Do you know that Mozambican poachers have killed the last remaining rhino in the entire country?"

"According to eastern medicine their horns are believed to be a cure for cancer. Can you believe that? Also, as a hangover cure and an aphrodisiac in Asia. People are so stupid over there.

"Their horns are made of keratin, the same material as human hair and finger nails. So why slaughter them?"

"The rhino horn is more expensive than cocaine, gold and platinum at over R600 000 per kilogram."

"Would you be willing to give a donation to save these magnificent creatures?"

As the guests left the room Ralf followed them and continued with a theatrical rendering of the sound of adult rhinos and then those of their babies, as he explained each in turn.

Ralf then went off the topic but subjected the Asians to an African general knowledge quiz: "Are there tigers in Africa?" and "Do you know what a warthog is?"

"Some people are so thick," Ralf told me later.

I then told him that I needed to sleep as the guests were leaving at 4am for a flight to Cape Town.

"Why?" he asked. "I am far from finished. We can continue the conversation tomorrow. I only have a flight at midnight."

When Ralf heard the guests leaving, he jumped out of bed nearly knocking them over, to hand out magazines entitled: The Plight of the Rhino.

I had to strictly enforce the 10h00 check-out time to save my sanity. As Ralf was walking away the rhino sounds reached fever pitch.

My gardener asked me 'if that man was mad?'

Later that evening another group decided to braai in the backyard.

Aaron ran out of his room as though it was on fire: "Terry, Terry, I smell smoke. Is there a bush fire nearby? I wanted to speak to you anyway. I heard that they kill rhinos at your Kruger Park. Is this open to the public?"

"No," I replied.

"Well, that's a pity," said Aaron, "now I have come here all for nothing."

The Clown Council

Some time ago, I received the Council's monthly newsletter, confirming that they supply clean and safe tap water.

One less question to answer, I assumed, from the guests: "Is your water safe to drink?" so I made copies, and prestiked them above the taps.

From a local: "I have never seen notices like this. Are you sure, sure, the water is safe to drink? Find this hard to believe."

From an American: "I was told that African's put stuff in the water to make us foreigners ill. So, I'll just drink tea and coffee."

In February, we also receive the annual refuse removal calendar. All the areas are colour coded, apparently, for our benefit. In April, we receive another one, confirming that the previous calendar was a misprint.

As we are all aware, if a public holiday, and there are many of them, falls on a Sunday, the following Monday is also a day off.

During April and May, many of the householders do not know their arses from their elbows, especially if their calendars have been mangled in the spin cycle.

Others, are vigilant and confirm the removal days on the website, and place their refuse on the pavement the night before.

Sadly, the council workers are also confused with this turn of events, and do not arrive at all, or over the weekends.

Early, one Sunday morning, amid much hooting and hollering, the driver whistles to confirm he is on his way.

"Wait, wait, stop, stop," I bellow, flinging bags onto the pavement. "What is today? Wednesday or Thursday?"

"After numerous complaints, marram, we are now back on track. Do you have a 2litre coke for us?"

On the previous nights, the cats and dogs have had bun fights, ripping refuse, all asunder, which the frustrated residents or gardeners have to clean up, while others don't bother.

If we present a certified, signed affidavit to the Council stating that we had disposed of our own refuse at the tip and request a refund, we would be told, with rolling eyeballs, that 'things happen beyond our control.'

And, that's not all. For four months Ekurhuleni ratepayers have now been additionally debited with - Refuse: Area Cleansing Levy. R5 plus VAT of 70 cents.

DA Finance Councillor, Eddie Taylor, bless him, has tried in vain to have this reversed,
and the MMC Moses Makwakwa, indicated that this 'item had been gazetted in error,' the charges would be removed and our accounts credited, in September. Yay. But, we are now approaching December.

And, the innocent Ekurhuleni ratepayers are also liable for Robert McBride's R7 million legal fees.

We assume the Cleansing Levy will be refunded just before the next Municipal Elections.

A week before the previous elections, I noticed eight workers, in the street where I live, one filling a pothole, while the others leant on their spades and supervised.

"What's happening here?" I asked.

"We're filling the holes."

"Why?"

"Haven't you heard, Marram, there's a Council election next week?"

I am a Tourist (3)

I step into the shower, turn on the taps and begin lathering my hair.

"Joy, Joy, I need to leave now!"

"Please could you wait ten minutes?"

"No, I need to leave now!!" And, what time is my doctor's appointment? Your shampoo smells nice. Is it the herbal, that I ordered?"

I give Maya directions to the hospital. You can see this from Terrylin. Walk to the corner, down the road, and turn right.

Arms flapping. "Your right or my right?"

"Maya," I ask: "Would you like me to clean your room, and wash the towels?"

"No. I have many items of value in there."

Later that afternoon. "I had to wait for the doctor to see me. Then, I got lost. I am a tourist and I am ill. I also bought some food. If I leave it in the fridge, will anyone else eat it?"

"I have decided to stay another night. Is there discount?"

Jim and Jenni arrive that afternoon.

"Where are all the towels? On your website, it says, that you supply towels."

Maya: "I have them. Joy, you didn't tell me that you were expecting other guests."

The landline rings. Call for Maya. Chat. Chat. Chat.

"Please would you ask your friends to 'phone you on the call box?" I ask, "I need the landline for business."

"I am a tourist. I am ill. My friends need to know how I am. And, your call box is out of order."

After breakfast, Jim and Jenni, decide to catch the Gautrain to Sandton.

"I'm coming with," shouts Maya. Please wait for me."

But, you can't see Jim and Jenni for dust.

Maya: "Where are they? What happened to them? Some people are so selfish...."

I am a Tourist (2)

Around midnight all is peaceful. Then, a loud rapping on my bedroom door.

"Wake up, it's me, Maya. I am hungry. I haven't eaten all day. I have been ill. Do you have something for me to cook? Where are your pots and pans?"

"Maya! We are all trying to sleep," I say. "Please have some consideration."

"But, I am hungry! I am a tourist. I am ill."

The following morning, Graham: "Who was the prat banging pots and pans about in the kitchen, late last night? And, what happened to the soup and noodles, I left in the fridge?"

Maya: "I know. I know. It often happens to me." I have to make a lot of 'phone calls. Do you have coins for me?"

I show Maya, three times how to use the call box. The Masters University Student, then begins.

"I am a tourist. I am ill. I need to cancel my flight. Why do you need my name?. I also left my luggage in storage. Why is that another number?"

Through to storage: "I am a tourist. I am ill. Why do you need a voucher number? I was never given a voucher. Ok, hold on, I'll go and look for it."

Beep. Beep.

"Hello. I have the voucher. Hello, Hello. Shit! Shit!! Shit!!!"

Maya dials again, and then drops her coins. Another operator answers.

"Joy, I have run out of coins, and need to use your 'phone to call the States."

Later. "I need to go out. Please make an appointment for me with your doctor and escort me. I heard you don't walk in the streets of Jo'burg. I also need to buy food as you don't supply any."

Me: "Do you need to leave now, as I would like to shower?"

Maya: "No, no, take your time. Let me know when you are finished."

See (3)

I am a Tourist (1)

I saw a site - Difficult Guests: Please send us your contributions.

Not demented or destructive, just damn difficult.

I naturally assumed, I had heard and seen it all, until I met Maya.

Maya made a booking with the message - Please be there to collect me when I arrive at the airport.

Flight details would be nice, but I received no response to my mail.

The 'phone rings, and so it begins.

"I have been waiting here for over an hour!"

Steven arranges to meet Maya at Terminal A and confirms her mobile number.

Five minutes later, Maya: "I have now been waiting at Terminal B for another half an hour." Different number.

When Maya arrives she kicks off her shoes and drops her luggage at the entrance.

"I am very ill. Where is my room? Please bring my luggage."

The following morning, I am presented with a list of her requirements.

1. Seed-loaf Bread. 2. Camomile Tea. 3. Herbal Shampoo. 4. Cabernet Cheese. 5. Biltong.

"We don't provide this," I say, aghast.

"Oh, you don't. Well, I am not well. I have decided to book for another night, and I am paying for this."

"Unfortunately, there is another booking for your room tonight. The guests specifically requested the 'Pool View'.

"Pool View. There is no pool here. Come, come, show me."

I open the curtains.

"Oh, there it is. I also booked the room with the pool view. You'll have to make other arrangements with your guests. Remember, I am ill, and I am not moving!"

The other guests, bless them, were understanding and accommodating. As I was searching for the pen Maya, again:

"I am using the pen. You'll just have to find another one. I am sure your guests won't mind waiting. Remember, I am ill!!"

See (2).

What's My Name Again?

While I was sleeping, Steven booked in Anthony and the next morning, I checked the register.

When I trill: "Good Morning (insert name here), I hope you slept well etc", the guests are rather thrilled.

This did not happen with Anthony.

"Good Morning, Anthony," I say.

"My name is Mark," he replies.

"I apologise, but you signed in as Anthony," I continue.

"But, I told you my name is Timothy."

I hope the FBI isn't on his tail.

Late the following night, three arrivals for the dorm, which already had three, including Mark Timothy Anthony.

They insisted that according to my website, each bed cost R25 each and not R150 each. They left in a huff threatening to contact the Tourism Board.

The following night, two German gentlemen arrived, who could not speak a word of English.

Not. A. Word.

They sat on either side of me on the couch, and opened a bag of coins.

"Phula, Dollar, Pound," they repeated, and repeated again, in unison.

I nodded my head nervously, wondering what they were on about.

I finally clicked, that they were re-iterating all the places they had visited.

I have a bottle of stray coins and a board of notes but I've hardly been anywhere.

But, I wasn't about to tell them that.

As Casual as You Please

I read an article in National Geographic Traveller - The Bus Stops Here.

City Tour Busses run on a tight schedule. The Bus leaves from Here, at 9.05 or 9.45. Please note the minutes.

Of course there will always be those tourists, cool and casual as you please who stroll up late, nary a cary, oblivious to the jeerings of the other passengers, who have been waiting for up to twenty minutes.

It happens here as well.

A group of six, who asked me to arrange the Johannesburg and Soweto Tour and couldn't contain their excitement, spent the next 25 minutes back and forth to the bedrooms and bathrooms.

They had been scurrying around for the previous two hours, asking me in turn, whether the bus would be on time.

Benjamin, not part of the group, asked me to book a taxi for him the previous night, as he was 'always late for his flights', and the 'stress was getting to him'.

The Tour bus arrived and then that taxi whose driver parked behind the bus.

The tourists were now ready to leave. But, where was Benjamin?

And, there he was sitting at the pool reading a Roald Dahl short story.

"Please ask the driver to wait. This story is so riveting. I cannot put it down."

"And, could I use the wi-fi? I need to make sure-sure of my flight."