A Knife in Johannesburgo

Some overseas travellers are concerned about crime. But, sometimes I wonder if I should be afraid of them?

FROM CHINA

Ho arrived with the thickest Croxley file I have ever seen, with more documents than Interpol.

"Is it safe to walk to the supermarket alone? I cannot find this on my Google map, so I assume it's not safe. You will have to come with, so I can use you as a shield."

FROM I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE

I received a booking with this message - Do not debit card. It is stolen. I am a lawer. travel agent not have credit card facilyties - Tell me cost in doolars and punds, and for flite and tour. Send me your bank numbers now. So I pay u. U receive a large commission for ur trubles.

My name is Suntobe A Jailburd.

FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA

Two ladies, not sure though, arrived attired in army fatigues. "We are not afraid, mind you, we have a knife for Johannesburgo, if anyone tries to steal our things." Future Exhibit A is exposed. Even Crocodile Dundee would have been impressed. "If we travel through Africa by bus, will we be safe? "We've already paid."

"If we are in Algeria, say, and we are not safe, can we call you? There is a war going on there, you know. Also, in the Congo. Here is our itinerary."

FROM TEXAS

"I hate using my Visa Card here. I am always double debited. If you do the same, I will use the full force of the law, and throw you in jail. In Israel, I spent two effing years in jail because of my effing Visa Card. Mind you, I love Africa. Come here every three years. Please escort me to the ATM. Not safe to walk."

After three attempts, and much effing, the ATM swallows the card.

"I told you, didn't I! South Africans steal your money."

"Do you have the number for lost/stolen cards?" I ask.

"I did, but someone must have stolen it."

FROM SUDAN

"South Africa is a criminal haven. I need you to protect me." Lil followed me. Everywhere. Even to the bathroom. "I need a room with a key that works. I don't want to mingle with the other guests, just to be safe."

FROM COLUMBIA

An e-mail. I want to book into your hostile for a week. I won't leave my room. Johannesburgo is not safe. My friend will cum during that time. I have a parcel for him. Don't ask what it is! Will it be safe, if I post it to you? Thank you, Sweaty.

FROM IRELAND AND NEXT DOOR

Boetie, was shooting tin cans with an unlicensed pellet gun, a regular occurrence.

"Call the cops! Call the cops!!" Maeve, nearly knocking me off my feet.

I swear that if a backpacker let rip under the bedcovers, someone would shout:

"Call the cops! I heard a gunshot."