High Fives

Blake is now 18 months old, throws a ball, and kicks it.

Real Madrid must be notified asap.

Nick and Blake also watch WWE Raw, and the fun begins.

Nick swings Blake over his shoulder, throws him up, catches him, and they fall onto the floor.

Nick then leaves the lounge, and Blake runs to his toy box, retrieves a large monkey, and waits for Nick to return.

Blake then pummels the monkey to an inch of its stuffed life, complete with sound effects.

Nick walks away again, and Blake peers down the passage.

He then hugs, kisses and pats the monkey: "There, there."

On Nick's return, the monkey is, once again, flying around the room.

One evening, a very sad Blake said : "Jay-Jay hit me at school today."

No nonsense Nick, was having none of this:

"Come here, my boy. I'll show you how to doesch-doesch."

The following day, the result.

Misty: "How was school today?"

Blake: "Good."

Misty: "Did Jay-Jay doesch you?"

Blake : "Yip."

Misty: "Did you cry?"

Blake : "Noooo!"

Misty: "Did you doesch him back?"

Blake: "Yip."

Misty: "Did you make him cry?"

Blake : "Yip. Two times."

And, up go Blake hands for a high-five.

Connecting with Friends and Family

"Do you have a code for the wee-fee?" ask many as they enter the front door.

Indeed we do and this is free, for up to an hour.

You may 'phone your mom, to say that you are safe, and update your 200 friends on Facebook.

There is also a call box and World Call cards for purchase. No, I do not earn a commission.

I don't know how much it will cost you. Where are you 'phoning? How long will you speak?

"I dunno. A minute, maybe."

Card inserted. Number dialled.

"Yo, mon, it's yo bitch. Whadya mean, which one?"

Next call from the queue.

"Hi Mom. Yes, I'm safe. Where's dad? Please put him on."

Minutes later.

"Oh, hi, Dad. Yes, I am safe. I'm here in Joh'burg, remember. Where's Sal?"

More minutes later.

"In the bathroom? OK. Tell her I say hi. Is Jeremy there? Don't worry, I'll hold.

Even more minutes.

"When, he gets back, tell him I say hi. Is that Rover barking in the background?
Please put him on."

"Hello, Rove, how are you, my big boy? I miss you loads. Woof Woof."

"Oh, hello Sal, what were you doing? That's disgusting!"

"Hello, Helloo, Hellooo."

I am given the evil eye: "Phone calls here are so expensive. I only spoke for a minute."

Ding Dong Dementia

"Helloo," say I, from the gate bell receiver.

No reply.

As I have other things to attend to, I begin cleaning the furthest bedroom.

Ding Dong. Same scenario.

So I march into the garden, and discover six little bored buggers, fingers poised.

"Do that again," I bellow, "And, I will beat you with my broomstick."

Twelve eyes, shot out on stalks.

"It wasn't me, ma'am. It was my brother. I've only just got here," grins the leader of the pack.

Then, a big belly protrudes from around the corner.

Octomom : "You can't shout at my kids. It's against the law."

Silence prevails.

Ding Dong x 3.

Out I go again.

There stands a local bag lady. Sipping from a half jack.

"I have rung this bell three times."

"Yes, I heard."

"I need you to put me up. My husband has been beating me up. My car is broken. I will pay you when I get a job. Why do all the places say they are fully booked? Are you going to leave me out here on the street?"

Then the cops arrive and bundle her into the back of the van. I am cursed to hell.

I unplug the bell.

Later, tapping on the gate.

I plug in the bell. "Hello!"

"Your bell does not work. I am looking for Job."

"Well, let me know when you find him."

And, the bell does work, believe me.

Aah Tishoo

Steven hates Winter. Full Stop.

"Why is it so cold?" he'll moan, on a mild Fall day. "Don't you ever get cold?"

The Afrikaner's say it best - "Fock, dis Koud!" and, "In die Vrystaat, nou dra die manne twee kortbroeke."

And, then it snowed.

I had a call, from someone, still not sure who:

"It's snowing in Sandton." Here, too, in Rhodesfield.

Steven has had enough, and hurtles to Builders Warehouse, and returns, followed by a delivery truck.

Two gentlemen, amid much cussing, erect the largest gas heater I have ever seen, in the sitting room.

It touches the ceiling.

This is an outdoor heater, designed for the daft, who braai in the snow.

(A barbeque in South Africa is a flavour of chips.)

All set up, Steven turns on the heater, and within seconds Terrylin is the devils den.

"Please return that," I beg Steven. "I feel as though I am going through the Change."

Of course, Steven nearly takes the chair with him, as he falls out of it laughing.

Mike and Penny arrived, with Penny having a sneezing fit. All over the guest register, as well.

Penny : "Aah Tishoo!"

Mike : "Bless You."

Penny : "Thank You. Aah Tishoo!"

Penny went to the bathroom, and sneezed three times in succession.

Mike, very concerned, knocked on the door.

"Is that you, Pen?"

Blake's Bad Day

While Misty was looking for her missing mobile, she found Blake on his bed, ankles crossed.

Still too small to dial, but not to speak.

"Hello, hello, Guppy, are you there?"

"Where's Guppy?" asks Misty.

"Guppy's Gone", sighs Blake.

"Oupa, Oupa, where are you? Your 'phones broken, mommy."

He then puts his palms together: "Let us Pray."

Later, "Golf, Daddy, golf. Please Daddy."

"We can't, my boy. It's raining."

"Well then, just give me a hug."

Misty left to do the groceries, and returned to find a little boy she did not recognise sitting in the garden.

Nick had crew-cut Blake's hair, which resembled a porcupine, and left a pumpkin fritter fringe which was promptly gelled.

Blake was not amused and Misty attempted to rectify the situation. But the slipped scissor, left Blake with a bald patch.

He now resembled Dennis the Menace.

But, Blake's day did get better.

The family discovered a spider ogling them from the curtains.

Not an insy winsy one, but a big, fat hairy one resembling Rasputin. This was the size of Nick's hand according to Blake.

Nick trapped the spider with a bowl, and let it loose in the garden.

I would have smacked it with a spade.

In all the excitement, with Misty and Nick screaming like nervous Idols Contestants, Blake was bouncing about, screaming with laughter.

Wooden Eye

A couple arrived late last night, and settled into the double room, which has an en-suite shower.

They appeared to be satisfied: "This is all we need."

I decided on some 'shut-eye.'

"Hello, hello," I hear, in the distance.

"So, sorry, to wake you up. But, we would prefer to bath."

After having perused the premises, that cannot find one of the three available.

Back to sleep at 2am, after being asked for a 9am wake-up call.

"Hello, hello,"

It is now 5.15.

"Could we Skype and iron a shirt? Where do we do this?"

I thought this had been discussed at 2am.

Back to sleep at 6am. Bad move, as I need to be polite and perky at 7am.

But, even if I could locate matchsticks, these would not keep my eyes open.

Around 7.30, Tim leaves. He calls at 8.

"I left my 'phone behind. I am on my way. Please don't bath or anything. I'll be there now-now."

Around 9am, Tim arrives: "I see you are still in your pyjama."

Also at 9am, I knock on the double room door. No answer. I tap on the window. Still, no answer.

Finally.

"Please wake us up at 10am. We have arranged to be collected at 11. And, please open the gate to let us out."

Now, why wooden I?"

BnB = But No Breakfast

Alas, Terrylin no longer serves a light breakfast.

No, this is not due to the recession and rising costs.

There a small dining area, which can seat six guests at a time, and breakfast was served from 7am.

Up at 6h30, I laid out the trays, with coffee, tea, sugar, yoghurt, fruit, cereal, bread, juice and jams.

While in progress, people would fly out of their beds, from said 6h30 with a "What time is breakfast served?", and pull out a chair, while I work around them.

They then, cosy up, with maps, and tablets, giving me a major headache, to discuss their further journeys, for up to an hour.

I politely asked, a harassed father with two toddlers, if I could clear the table, and he wrote a rotten review, 'the other guests had to wait patiently!'

Then, there was a Scotsman with a lassie, who insisted the taxi wait for her, as she was busy, with her breakfast.

Scott, cottoned on, with a: "Oh, I see why you want me to move. Other people would like to have breakfast."

As the breakfast was included in the rate, therein lay the problem.

"I am leaving before 7 am. Could I have an early breakfast?" - "Could I have breakfast tonight?" -"Could I exchange breakfast as a takeaway?" - "Could you add cheese?" - "Could you fry me eggs and bacon, as a favour?"

So, I got down to business and had breakfast deleted from my website, and all other booking sites. All went well, until...

On one site, I sent two requests.

1.) Please delete the 'breakfast included', FROM all the room types.

2.) Please delete, from the Information Page -'breakfast is served from 7am.'

Confused Candy, e-mailed me to confirm that she had altered the breakfast to a full English and deleted all the room types.