Wonderful Wednesdays

Midweek Aimee and I visit the Campbells.

This wonderful Wednesday began with Blake running and leaping into my arms, shouting: "Guppy, Guppy"

"I thought I was Gummy," I say, smothering him with hugs and kisses.

"No, no," laughs Blake, shaking his head and hands. "Not Gummy, Guppeee!"

"Come Gummy, no Guppy, come. Let's play golf."

"Blake, Guppy is sooo tired," I say. "Let's read or watch Tele-Tubbies."

"Please pour me an Oros, Guppy."

"Drink, Blake."

"No, Guppy, no. Where's yours?"

We snuggle up between the couch cushions and I close my eyes.

"Come, Guppy, come. No, stay, Guppy, stay."

Blake disappears into the bedroom and returns:

"Come, Guppy, come!"

Blake has turned back his bedcovers: "Sleep, Guppy, sleep."

As I lie down Blake removes my specs, and places them carefully on the bedside table.

Later, there is a massive splash in the bathroom, and: "Whaah!"

It's Blake, hair on end and eyes like marbles.

All of us: "Blake, what happened?"

"I fell. And the water smacked my bum."

Misty: "Where you standing on the bath again?"

"Yes, mommy."

"Are you going to stop that now?"

"No, mommy, it's funny..."

Settled in the lounge and making a racket, Blake puts his finger on his mouth: "Sssh, all."

Of course, no-one listens. "Ssssh, SSSSHH!"

"What's wrong, Blake?" asks Misty.

Blake farts!

Thanks, Nick for teaching Blake to warn us in advance.

Rocka Rolla

Nicolene 'phones from the Argentinian Embassy confirming a booking for four, and a delivery of two keyboards, a guitar and drums.

Musicians! Aah, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. And, Doef! Doef!! Doef!!!

I receive an e=mail from Ernesto confirming his arrival at 10h15. (Tuesday) Ernesto, Javier and Pablo are arriving 7am (Wednesday).

Ernesto is arriving twice, and what has happened to number 4?

Then Nicolene 'phones again. Their driver is on his way to collect two keyboards, a guitar and drums.

"No, hold on," she says, "the driver will be dropping these off. Are your directions the same as on the website?"

The driver arrives and drops the items in the sitting room.

"Please," I plead, "could you kindly take these through to the bedroom?"

He lights up a cigarette, and ponders the consequences.

"Oh, all right! But, this is not in my job description."

The guests arrive near midnight, request a taxi at 5am, and promptly fall asleep.

5am no taxi. I call Sophie who tells me that the driver, "is new, but not to worry, he promises that he knows where you are and here is his number."

I call Twespo.

"I have been waiting outside for fifteen minutes," he says. "There is an old lady, peeping out from beind her curtains, and looking at me funny. Is that you?"

"Where are you?" I screech, as Javier taps his watch as though it is my fault.

"Number 2 Harvard Street," replies Twespo.

We are Number 2 Halifax Street.

The Benedicto's

Steven welcomed the Benedicto's late last night.

According to Mrs Bendicto, her stupid husband refused to pay for a Garmin and they were on their way to God-knows-where!

This morning there was bedlam in the bedroom.

When they emerged, I crouching under the counter and expecting four black shiners, was heartily told:

"Don't mind us, we're Italian!"

After breakfast and armed with the Lonely Planet Guide, I was asked the directions to Sabie.

"Take the N4 to Nelspruit. Then take the R40 to Hazyview."

They were lost on the N4, and their eyes had a hazy view.

"No, no, no," they bellow in unison, "in Italia, in Italia!!"

I then noticed their Lonely Planet Guide was in Italian with the directions in bold print.

The Benedicto's, arms flapping, have another go:

"You are stupid!"

"No, you are stupid!"

Then, they hug and kiss.

"We have been married for forty years," beams Mrs.

"And, will be married for another forty," confirms Mr. "What is the quickest way to the airport?"

"While you are there," I say, "It will be best to hire a Garmin.",

"I told you, you are stupid," says Mrs.

And, off they go, laughing and waving...

Wound Up

Stacie shot out of the shower all in a froth!

"The water is ice cold!"

On an inspection, yes, ice cold water is spewing out of the tap labelled with a C.

"Stacie," say I. "Hot water comes out of the tap marked with an H."

"Well, where I come from, California, the hot tap is on the left. Are all the hot taps in South Africa on the right?"

As Stacie leaves, one further question?

"Will it be cold here today all day? I was told that in South Africa it is always hot."

Which reminds me of another incident.

"Is the water hot?", asks Tse.

"Like a chilli," I confirm.

Wrong word, I realise as it was confused with chilly.

This morning Daniel in a panic tells me that he has lost the winder for his watch. That tiny silver thingabob.

I think I left it in the garden," he wails, "Would you help me look for it?"

Luckily, I was distracted by someone else with more pressing concerns.

"I found it," Daniel shouts, "In the bedroom!"

When I go in to clean, I want to weep.

The furniture is upended. Both beds are overturned, the carpet and curtains all over and the linen is in the cupboards.

And, the shower panels are under a bed.

Now it is not only the watch that is wound up.

Hello and Goodbye

Blake, waves to all as he leaves: "Hello, Goodbye", even to the 'plane overhead.

At home there is a hello for everybody and everything. This includes the children walking along the pavement, the family dogs, and all his possessions.

"Hello bika's, hello balla's, hello, books."

Whenever Blake leaves the house the ritual becomes:

"Goodbye bika's, goodbye balla's, goodbye books."

Yesterday morning, while Misty was bustling about she discovered Blake having a bath in the shower.

He had pushed a golf ball into the drain way down, and was lying on the shower floor, hands behind his neck, legs folded at the knees, and singing.

The golf club used to hammer the ball into the drain, was pushed against the door, making entry difficult.

After Blake dressed, he began his goodbye's.

"Please hurry, Blake," pleaded Misty, "we are going to be late!"

"Aw, Mummy," replied Blake, "please go back to sleep!"

Blake, has a cousin Courtney, aged seven, who is a poppet of note.

About three years ago, Courtney came to visit, and politely enquired as to whether she may use the loo.

"But, I must warn you in advance it will be a number two."

The other day, Courtney threw a carrot into the garbage bin.

Her mommy Michelle lectured her about starving Somalians.

"Well call them and tell them, they can have my carrot," replied Courtney.

Courtney now has a brother, Cayden, who sang Happy Birthday to his mom.

"What did she say?" asked Misty.

"Nothing," he replied, "She was laughing so much she farted."

Is This for Real?

The 'phone rings: "I would like to speak to the owner?"

"You can speak to me. I am the owner."

"No, the real owner."

"I am the real owner."

"How many times must I explain that I want the real owner? Clearly you have no idea how to run a business. I don't do business with a woman. I'll get my boss to ring you.

Ten minutes later his wife calls.

I received an e-mail from Ghana.

I would like to book in the dorm room for four nights. These are children aged from 18 months to 11 years. I will not be there. This is what I require.

1.) The baby has an allergy to milk and will only drink skim, name supplied. This needs to be provided. As well as diapers.

2.) Three of the children are sickly, and the 11 year old will provide a prescription for their medication.

3.) There was also an attachment, listing what they will and will not eat.This was itemised under breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

4.) Finally, there was a bath time schedule, television viewing to be strictly monitored, and a speedy reply was requested as to what, I had in mind, for their entertainment?

Another e-mail - Hi. I am at the airport. Please collect me. Yasbek@yahoo.

And another. I will arrive at midnight. Could you organise a tour of the Apartheid Museum at that time. And, I would like dinner there on arrival.

A booking, with a message.

I saw all your rooms are non-smoking. I would like one that smokes.

Father and son return from Gold Reef City close to midnight.

Dad: "Brandon barfed all over the car. I cannot return it like this in the morning. I need you to clean this. Here are my keys."

In the morning: "I see you did not clean the car. I have a good mind to give you a bad review."

Me: "There's a car wash at the airport."

Dad: "But, I will have to pay for that. You really should be more attentive to your guests."

Ginny, I Need that Tonic

Ginny informs me that she will only book at Terrylin if I would assist with her further travels.

Onward bound to Botswana, she needs to be at Park Station at Sparrow's Poop, and enquiring at Taxi Information is told that the fare will be R350.

"Is this true?", she asks with a shudder.

Well, if they say so it must be.

Ginny further explained that she is a student, studying Aids and tropical diseases, has been a diabetic for 37 years, and is very poor, "but that guy at the taxi desk would not listen."

This morning Ginny has a Plan B and has to be at the airport within minutes to catch a flight to Botswana.

I call for a taxi, and tell her a driver is on his way and should arrive within 10 minutes.

I also tell her that I am going to the loo.

"Will you be long?", asks Ginny, "Please don't make me miss my flight."

I have barely sat down when there is a knock on the door.

"Hello, it's me, Ginny. (Who else?) I need to speak to you urgently! I heard a car."

"Someone is collecting someone else. It's not the taxi!" I reply.

"But, I never said it was. I was just telling you."

Ginny runs off: "Now, there is a big truck outside. Will the taxi find this place, if the truck is blocking the way?"

The taxi driver arrives and Ginny flings her arms around him. He winks at me.

Tring. Tring.

Now, it's Nadia: "I would like to book the room with the pool view. I would like a photo of the room. Is the linen also African like the other room? Could you exchange this with the linen from the other room? I would also like another photo of the pool from the room."

"Not that this will be of any significance though," she continues, "I will be arriving late and night and leaving early in the morning."