Lest We Forget

When guests say: "Bye, bye, tootle doo, see you again," I ask them to check if they have left anything behind.

They dart back and forth, no, they have everything and then the calls and e-mails arrive.

The 'phone rings twice. Moments later, it rings again.

"This is Beth. We stayed there last night. Something terrible has happened!"

"Oh no," I breathe.

"I sent you a missed call. Why didn't you 'phone me back? Anyway, my boyfriend left his wallet in the wardrobe. Please could you see if you can find it?"

I cannot find the wallet and "hello, hello", into the 'phone.

Silence.

Tring, tring.

"Did you find it? I couldn't hold on for ever. This is costing me money. Now, this is what I want you to do. Do you have a pen and paper? I want you to deposit the cash into this account, and then post the wallet to this address."

The 'phone goes dead. Then rings again.

"Why you not call me back? I am a backpacker. My boyfriend found his wallet but we are looking for his passport."

Now I am trying to get the place cleaned when the 'phone rings again.

"We found the wallet but I left my jacket there. I am cold. I am about to board. Bring my jacket to the airport in five minutes."

"I am so sorry," I say, "but my Lear Jet is not available at the moment."

The 'phone rings AGAIN.

"I have organised a courier to fetch my jacket this week or next week. I told them that you are always there so please don't leave the place at all."

A new guest: "Some-one has left a jacket in the wardrobe, and I would like to use that hanger because it is pink."

"What would you like to hang?" I ask.

"A pink scarf," she replies.

Golf, Anyone?

Nick took Blake to the range to practice his golf.

But if another golfer tried to hit their balls Blake would run after them, shouting: "Mine balla, mine balla!! Go get them balla's"

After complaints Nick and Blake went home.

Later that week, Blake spent the day with me.

He opens his bag of balla's. Every size and shape. But, no golf balls.

"Wrong balla's. Gummy, these are kakka!" he wails.

So Steven buys 12 ping-pong balla's. The real ones would smash every window to smithereens.

A beaming Blake blasts them down the passage, and then silence.

"Boet, come here!" he calls Steven.

There stands Blake leaning on the club, other hand on his hip, with one foot crossed over the other.

Steven has now been appointed as the caddy, and is expected to retrieve balls from under the beds and in the bathrooms.

Meanwhile, I discover a laptop in the bag and switch it on.

"Hello and Welcome. Please press the red button and we can begin."

Blake marches into the sitting room and presses the off switch.

"Bye-bye, see you later."

"Bye-bye", says Blake.

I flick the on button. Blake presses the off switch.

"Bye-bye. See you later."

"Bye-bye," bellows Blake, "I said bye-bye. Bye-bye. Now go away. I'm playing golf. Can't you see?"

Now, another Name

Some travellers will hire a posh car air-conditioning included, with an enquiry for bullet-proof windows, but will not hire a GPS for an extra ZAR50 per day?

Armloads of maps are spread over the dining table and they will enquire thus:

"How far is it to Pemba, my love?"

I, going the extra mile will google and authoritatively announce:

"Do you wish to travel to Mozambique, Zambia or Zanzibar?"

As our airport has been renamed three times, from Jan Smuts International to Johannesburg International.

It is now O R Tambo International, and as some people are not busy enough have renamed streets in Johannesburg.

What was once, say, Andries Aardvark Avenue, has been renamed Satlahopmate Sinklalegatholo Street.

"Could you pronounce that street name for us and spell it, my dear? We've only just arrived!"

One guest who lost his way from the airport to Terrylin, was so impressed with Steven's Tom-Tom that he bought it from him.

Steven then bought a Garmin and spent some time 'phoning someone to add Terrylin as a 'Point of Interest Accommodation' and 'Home'.

I now understand the meaning of Boys and their Toys.

When Steven drives to the corner shop which he can do with his eyes closed, he taps on the Garmin.

On his return he will press 'Home', and as he whooshes through the front gate, he is duly notified that he has "Now Reached his Destination."

When I am bored, I read - Really Ghetto.

Some dipstick couldn't afford a Garmin it seems and glued a globe onto his car's dashboard.

Happy Travels, Boet...

Blake's Baptism

Blake was baptised in St. Therese's Catholic Church, and I was a tad concerned about outbursts of bika and balla during the ceremony.

But, everything went off splendidly along with another little cherub, both of them ginger's.

Neither of them uttered a sound, even when the holy water flattened Blake's mowahawk.

We then assembled at Villa Bianca for lunch, Blake was the man of the moment, with one gentleman yelling: "Give that Man a Bells!!"

To say that the Itilian Giannoccaro's are a colourful lot is an understatement.

At any 'get-together' they all have stories to yell. This immediate family consists of eight brothers and sisters who all speak at the same time, nobody listens to any one else, and it is a laugh a minute.

There are arguments about who owes whom money from 20 years ago.

"But, I thought that was a gift."

"You said that the last 100 times!"

"Oh, forget it," and then there are passionate declarations of love, ties that bind, and death threats to anyone who dares to harm.

A story doing the rounds was of two sisters, nicknamed - 'I know', and 'I don't know'.

Sister 1 : "Where is your husband tonight?"
Sister 2 : "I don't know!"
Sister 3 : "I know!"

Sister No.1 : "Where is your daughter this morning?" Repeat.

Blake, named Archie by Dada, has his own version:

Granny Mary is Nona. (correct)

I am Gummy. (must make that orthodontist's appointment)

Grandpa Martin is Ammie.

Godmother Aimee is Emmie.

Nick and Misty are Daddee and Mommee (sorted)

Godfather Dada is confused with Daddee, and so Dada announced: "Just call me Ugly."

Most Verbose

Clarice: "I have been thinking, I would like to change my tour. Will it be cold there? Where I come from we have indoor heating. What do you think the temperature will be? And, the scenery? And, the roads? Do you think, I would really want to spend four days at Vic Falls? What is Zimbabwe really like? Is it as bad as they say?"

"Could you please organise the Joh'burg/Soweto tour now? You have to speak to Samuel and my driver has to be Edward."

"Joy, I am so sorry to bother you again, I realise you are busy. Your telephone never stops ringing, so I could not sleep, and I was wondering if you had managed to change my tour for tomorrow yet?"

"This time its Pretoria and the Lion Park. Speak to Samuel and confirm that my driver has to be Edward again."

To Roger, on his arrival:

"Good afternoon. I am Clarice from Canada. What is your name? And, where are you from? This is a very nice place to stay. And, Joy will organise all the tours you want. If you need anything please let her know. She is here to help. I have been here for a two days, and if you need any advice and Joy is busy, I can always help. Where have you been and where are you going to? I have heard that Cape Town is lovely. I am going along the Garden Route, as well as Durban and Port Elizabeth. I hear that is in the Eastern Cape."

Same Roger, who sent an e-mail.

My flight is an odyssey of patience and endurance.

As a young man, I hitchhiked around the world, staying in many a hostel. So your establishment has a special meaning for me as it is a wonderful reminder of my earlier adventures.

Yet, after what will be about thirty hours in a pressurised tin can with only recycled air, I was wondering if there would be sufficient synaptic brain activity for me to figure out a taxi ride to your place. Your offer is the perfect solution.

Once I depart the USA it is essentially a non-stop flight so the only time to contact you is once I land and clear customs.

What have you found the best way to meet up?

Clarice and Roger natted on and on for hours.

Odd Todd

Todd arrived, via a taxi and informed me that he had to attend a conference in Sandton for two days, and wanted to see the sights, and what was the cheapest option?

"Car hire or the Gautrain," I said. The bus will collect you here on the corner and then take you to the station. The price is R40 each way and the conference centre is across the street."

Todd emerged from the room two hours later and confirmed that he had arranged a taxi, for the following morning, at R500 'but could I arrange the car hire, for that evening?'

This I do and 'phone Todd to collect the car which is available from 5pm.

Todd returns in a taxi.

"What now?", I ask.

"I have arranged with the driver to collect me again tomorrow at 6am," replies Todd.

At 9am the driver has not arrived. Todd's first meeting was at 8am.

I 'phone for another taxi. Then have to cancel and the driver arrives. Todd asks me to re-book the car.

Not a chance, as I'll look like the loony. He is now on his own.

Todd returns midday, rather irate, as this driver now charged him R600. Serves him right.

"So will you be hiring a car now at around R200 per day or use the train?" I ask.

"No, I have arranged with the driver again. He promises he will be on time. I have his mobile number."

The following morning:

"Please may I use your 'phone?" asks Todd. "I have no airtime."

That afternoon:

"The driver told me that he had made a mistake. The price was actually R700. But he promised that he would take me back to the airport tomorrow morning for R200."

"Todd," I say, "the price is R100."

"No, it's fine, he has done me a huge favour taking me all over," replies Todd.

Blake, not Superman

Blake's other granny Nonna bought him a helmet and bika boots.

All that is now required is a jacket and gloves to complete the ensemble.

I gave Blake an old pair of woollen gloves. "Thank you, Guppee. You are so kind."

Blake is so impressed with his boots. When I see him he hikes up his jeans and points to each one in turn.

After Misty parks her car in the driveway, Blake waits for her to leave to prepare dinner.

He jumps into the driver's seat, presses the button to roll down the window, fastens the seatbelt, and turns up the volume on the radio.

"Broom. Broom. Broom", shouts Blake, turning the steering wheel.

Screeching cats, yelping dogs and baffled birds all flee in unison, and Sanna opens her door, saying: "That can only be Blake!"

Not long after, Misty hears: "Ma, Maah, Maaah! Daddeee!!"

Blake has locked himself in the car!

"Push the button, Blake", says Misty.

"I can't Mom, it's stuck. I am not Superman."

One day is one day when Blake may catapult into the traffic cop's garden next door, while he and his family are having dinner.