Passport Be Gone

Late one night a taxi driver deposited six gentlemen at Terrylin and sped off into the darkness.

There was a cacophony of blubbering and babbling. I didn't understand a word.

The leader Flavio, could speak a smidgen of English. Marcio had left his carry-bag on the seat at the airport.

All his money, his passport, traveller's cheques, his life, was in that bag, Mario explained excitedly.

Steven 'phoned airport security and was told that they had the bag, intact.

The message was relayed to Flavio, who waving his hands in the air and grinning like a madman informed all and sundry. They whooped and hollered.

And, nearly lifted the garage door off its hinges to push the Renault down the driveway.

While Steven was looking for the car keys, he loses everything, I was frantically attempting to open the gate, with Marcio running in and out.

The next morning Flavio told me that Marcio did not sleep very well as he slept on his carry-bag.

On the other hand Emily arrived as calm as you please.

While in Cape Town she had mislaid her passport.

Emily then had to fly to Johannesburg find accommodation and travel to Pretoria the following morning to apply for a temporary passport.

"Tomorrow is a holiday," I tell her.

"Another one?" she sighs. "So I'll have another day then. And I've just re-arranged my flight schedule!"

We have many public holidays in South Africa. Best to check on the days first.

Bonding with Backpackers

I want to make your at Terrylin a pleasant one.

1. The security gates are locked at night for your benefit.

2. Please consider others who want to sleep. Don't shout, sing, exercise and bang doors.

3. Please don't leave your belongings behind. I cannot post these to you.

4. Please do not bring me 2kg's of washing at 11pm.

5. Please don't complain about the check-out time. I need to clean your mess so others can find the place as you found it. Also, don't arrive early and ask me every ten minutes if your room is ready yet?

6. Please do not hover over my domestic help. It makes her feel uncomfortable. She does not steal.

7. I cannot answer your questions while I am on the 'phone. You will have your turn. Please be patient.

8. Please don't leap out in front of me while I am carrying a loaded tray.

9. If you have booked your own tour/transport please don't ask me where they are?

10. Please do not follow me around. No-one is going to bite you, least of all me. I also have to shower and brush my teeth as you do. I won't try to open the door.

11. I cannot be held responsible for power outages, burst water pipes, slow wi-fi, thunderstorms, heavy traffic and the neighbour's barking dogs. And yes the 'planes do make a noise.

12. If I book a taxi for you it will take 10 minutes to arrive. Please do not ask me to allay your fears every two minutes. When the taxi arrives do not holler: "Taxi's here!" If you heard the driver hooting, then so did I.

If you are awake at 5am, please do not knock on my bedroom door, to enquire whether I have booked the taxi yet, which you require at 10am.

13. If I am in the shower, please do not knock on the door, enquiring whether the tour guide will definitely be here. He will, I promise! I also want to smell nice.

14. When I open the gate please take 2 steps inside before answering your mobile, so I can close it again.

15. I cannot provide a door key for the dorms. You all want to wander in and out.

16. If you want to cancel your booking please let me know. It's polite.

17. Please clean the loo if you make a number two. Everything you need is there.

18. There is a rubbish bin in the kitchen. Please feel use it.

19. Please do not ask to use my 'phone even if calls are free in your country.

20. I paid for my food as did others. Please buy your own.

Other than that, you are most welcome.

Is We Speak Now?

Interpreting what guests want is often a problem.

With hand gestures and rubbing of stomachs it can take over an hour to order a pizza!

We have had to 'phone the corner shop-owner, who can speak any language for help only to ascertain that the guest would like to go to sleep!

We have had a regular guest, Flavio from Brazil, and we have managed to communicate verbally very well. Not so, by e-mail.

Flavio is busy with contract work in Angola, flying in and out, and sometimes brings his mates with him. Sometimes, they are here without him.

Last Monday, I received an e-mail from Flavio:

Dear Joy: Good afternoon,

I notice on the day 10 will be coming to you from the Brazilian personnel who arrived in Luanda for Brazil, who will stay with you, all of them have already been instructed to arrive at the airport when connecting the balcony to picking Steven them at the airport, many of them do not speak English, but has already reported that Steven will make the change to Rands to pay the taxi that had led up to the airport. I asked everyone to show their e-tickets with the schedule the flight for Brazil to program the schedule of the taxi, please help them.

I will arrive on 14/12 at 18:25 and once landed, I called Steven.

Thank you and up to 14/12.

On the day of the e-mail 10 guests did not arrive at the airport. And on the 1Oth, there were no guests either.

Maybe, we can sort this out with Flavio, if he arrives on the 14th.

Maybe.

I need to add that I admire the guests who try to speak English as that is all I can speak, read and write.

You Say Then I Say

Two BFF's arrived. They dressed alike and even looked similar.

The questions they asked was like a Grand Canyon echo:

No 1 : "Could you please organise us a tour to the Lion Park?"
No 2 : "Would you be able to organise us a tour to the Lion Park?"

No 2 : "Can I have a bath? I haven't had one in ages?"
No 1 : "Could my friend have a bath? Most hostels don't have these."

After the tour they are upset, as the guide could not explain the difference between a lion, a cheetah and a tiger.

No 1 : "I asked, and then my friend did."
No 2 : "Yes, I also asked."

No 2 : "Can I cook some pasta and do you have butter?"
No 1 : "Can I also cook some pasta and can I also use your butter?"

After they have eaten they ask if I can do their washing? Repeat.

I tell them I charge R80 a load, wash and dry. They scurry off to the room and after much shuffling, drag two garbage bags splitting at the seams down the passage.

"Please could you try and fit this all into one load?" (sneakers and caps included!)

I assure them that I do not want the machine to implode. "Could I could make a plan as they only have cash for one wash and one dry." Repeat.

"Sort out the really stinky stuff to do a load," I say.

As if by magic, they now have a R200 note.

Way into the night I am washing and drying but am constantly interrupted.

No 1 : "Is the machine on?"
No 2 : "Is the dryer on?"

At breakfast.

No 1: "Do you have extra milk?"
No 2: "Do you have more milk for us?"

No 2: "Please call a taxi.
No 1: "Is it possible to call the taxi now?"

When leaving:

No 1: "Thank you for everything. I really enjoyed my stay."
No 2: "Thank you for everything. I really enjoyed my stay."

The Miracle of Laughter

Besides Ma and Da, Blake's first word was Dawid.

Dawid lives with his wife Sanna in the quarters at the Campbells.

Dawid and Sanna have very little materially, but while Sanna smiles and shakes her head Dawid is always laughing his off!

Everything to Dawid, and I mean everything ranges from amusing to downright hysterical.

I once asked him how many children he had, and he nearly collapsed to the ground:

"Twelve, Missus."

Dawid knows everybody in our neighbourhood and will chat and laugh all day and most of the night with them.

As Dawid spent many years serving and protecting in the SAP, Nick has employed him at his company as a security guard.

Should a tsostsi whip out a knife or a gun, he is bound to drop his weapon, once Dawid has laughed him out of any adverse intentions

After Misty fetches Blake from nursery school and he is strapped into the car seat, he stares at the empty space next to him and points.

The next item on Misty's journey is to collect Dawid from the yard. Blake remains very quiet throughout.

Once Dawid steps into the back seat he and Blake start shrieking with laughter!

Dawid speaks Afrikaans, Blake speaks gobbledygook, but it is the power of laughter that unites them over an age difference of 70 years.

If Dawid has an errand, Blake will wait patiently on the front step for his return.

Bless them.

Names and Notes

Celebrities have cornered the market bestowing ridiculous names on their offspring, variations of Pretty Pooh and Funny Hunny.

Steven once employed a man to build a braai next to the swimming pool.

His name was Hitler!

For the uninformed, in South Africa, to cook meat over an open fire is called a braai. A barbeque is a flavour of crisps.

As hung-over Hitler proceeded with the braai-building, under the watchful eye of Steven, his endeavours began to look a little wonky and Steven shouted:

"Hitler, Hitler! Hitler!!, what the f**k are you doing?"

A German couple nearly choked on their coffee.

They were not offended by the swearing, but that parents could name their child Hitler. In Germany, I was told there is a roster detailing offensive, unacceptable names.

"Doesn't apply here," I replied, "You won't believe the names of some of these people!"

My name is Joy McLaren. I am often asked to spell Joy, and then called Jay or Joyce. And, asked if Joy is an African name. No, these are Beauty, Precious and Lovely.

McLaren becomes McLarren, McLeren, MacLarren and MeClerahan.

"Think Formulae One," I say.

"Oh, the racing car. That's easy. Why didn't you just say so? Are you involved in any way? My son is a demon in his go-cart, and I would like to give him an early start."

On the notice board at reception, many guests have pinned paper money, but the pride-of-place, was a use-on-or-before 30th of June 2008, Five Hundred Million Zimbabwean Dollar note.

This was a hot topic of conversation in various languages amongst the guests.

When I told them that Trillion Dollar notes were issued their eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

Some are journeying towards the Vic Falls and ask if any of these notes are still in circulation? I heard that they are being used as wallpapering for homes and shops.

I am almost sure that Zimbabweans are willing to exchange these for dollars.

One guest, an Economics student, was very grateful as she now had a thesis for her Master's degree.

Mama's House

Charlie booked in earlier than usual and asked if he could have breakfast.

What harm could this do, I decided. A lot it appeared.

I had an appointment in the afternoon and Charlie assured me that he would be alright as he needed to sleep.

On my return, I noticed that he had again devoured cereal, bread, orange juice, tea and coffee leaving the mug, glass, bowl, and plate on the table.

Off he went for a walk and returned two hours later, lay on the couch, propping his dirty feet on the cushions.

Dinner time, and while my back was turned ordering a pizza, Charlie proceeded to have breakfast again leaving the mess. Again.

Now I was pissed off and tired but decided to lock the bread and cereal in the cupboard.

But, forgot about the milk.

When I awoke the following morning Charlie was lying on the couch again.

I check the fridge for the milk - four litres gone and the urn is empty.

"Why did you hide the bread and cereal away as I woke up for a midnight snack?" Charlie asked grinning. You did the right thing though, as there may not have been cereal or bread left over for the other guests."

"I love this place though," he continued, "It's just like my mama's house."

Later that morning, kaboom!

Steven: "You won't believe what just happened. I was washing my hands and I watched a screw falling out of the door. It held for a while and then crashed onto the toilet seat. Stop laughing. I could have been dead and then what?"

After Steven replaced the door, he left seat under his arm for Builder's Warehouse, I placed an Out of Order notice on the door.

On Steven's return, he opened the said door and there sat Charlie regal as you please.

"Can't you read?" asked Steven. There are six other toilets you could have used?"

Sasha called later: "I noticed on your website that you have a lot of baths and showers. But, do you have any toilets?"