Check My Dimmers

A backpacker binned a posh pair of sunnies, which I gave to Gideon, the gardener.

One would think they were diamond encrusted the way he carried on.

I heard the weed-eater, full throttle and then silence. I peered over the gate as Madam is wont to do.

Gideon did not see me as he was busy impressing the passers by who had skidded in their tracks in admiration.

"Where did you get those dimmers?"

"Can I also work for your madam?"

"How cool, hey? Those are the real deal."

A cacophony of shrieks of laughter, eishing and backslapping ensued.

"Gideon!" I screeched, and the admirers scattered. "Give me those sunglasses. You can have them back, when you have finished your work."

"Good idea, Madam." he said. A tsotsi asked me if he could try them on. But, he would have run off with them. Now I have a sore head. A cold beer would go down nicely."

I placed them on the coffee table where they promptly disappeared.

Steven strutted through, sunnies aloft: "Who left these? I'll have them."

"They are Gideon's," I wearily replied.

"Really? How much do you pay him?"

Gideon later: "Madam, those dimmers are fake. You can keep them. My friend sells them on the streets. And, he knows these things."

Sitting in the garden one evening, I told Steven that Warren Buffet said: "I am sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree."

Steven then decided to have a ginormous one felled to make space for a carport. A quotation from Patrick for R1 800 sealed the deal.

During the day, an over excited Steven decided to go the whole hog, adding one tree after the other, verbal quotations going to and fro with Patrick 'phoning for additional staff.

At R5 000, I asked Steven to settle down.

"This is going to cost you," said Colin, a retiree from SARS, sticking his head over the wall and wagging his finger.

When Patrick presented the invoice, Steven, ever the comedian, inspected it and said: "What's this? R5 000! I thought we had agreed on R500. Tell you what, I can give you a nice pair of dimmers in exchange."

Patrick's face was a picture.

Just Another Day

Saffa's have a TV Channel, e-tv, and for reasons only known to them an additional aerial needs to be installed.

An appointment is confirmed with George to install said aerial, for yesterday evening @ 18h00, as Joshua is using the ladder to paint the gutters and clocks off at 16h00.

With no prior warning George hoots at the gate at 13h00.

After a heated exchange - George: "I need the ladder to get up into the ceiling!" and Joshua: "I need the ladder to finish my job!", George, enquires as to whether I have another ladder.

What is this - Builders Hardware?

Steven returns from there with paintbrushes and thinners only to discover, that Joshua is painting the newly installed gutters with enamel paint.

Another heated exchange - Steven: "What the ****, is the matter with you?" Joshua: "Sorry, I must have lost my mind," and off he goes.

George then climbs up the ladder into the ceiling with a request, that Steven remains still i.e. in one spot,(a tall order) to confirm the picture clarity.

The bellowing begins.

George: "What is happening now?"

Steven: "Nothing!"

George: "And, now?"

Steven: "Still, nothing!"

George: "What do you mean?"

Steven: "It's still fuzzy. Wait, now it's clear. No, it's fuzzy again."

After an hour of this, George stomps down the ladder.

"**** this!!!", they both say in unison. Steven pours a beer each, and they ponder this way and that, cursing e-tv.

It later transpires that George was sold the incorrect aerial.

This morning Joshua arrives to re-scrape the gutters, and George arrives gazing longingly at the ladder, to install the new aerial.

"Where is Steven? I need him again."

"Maybe, I can help," I offer.

In thirty minutes - e-tv. In three hours - sparkling gutters.